Wednesday, 03 February 2010

My unconscious mind seems to be in better shape than my conscious mind. First the unconscious.

Last night I dreamt that I was pushing my paternal grandfather in his wheelchair. We were in the woods, and I pushed him onto the porch of a cabin. I can still see his weathered face, white hair, and brace that he had to wear on his knee after a stroke. He told me to clear away some leaves below the porch, and when I got down there and started to clear away leaves and branches, a large spider, the size of a rat, scurried over my foot. I could feel the soft, furry underside of its bright, blue belly. I didn't scream, and I wasn't afraid, but when I looked up somehow Grandpa was standing beside me. According to http://dreammoods.com, dreaming about grandparents "symbolizes love, security, wisdom, and protection, " spiders are "symbolic of feminine power." It also said that seeing a spider means I'm feeling like an outsider, but it's a good thing I wasn't bitten by the spider b/c that would mean I have some unresolved conflict w/ my mother. Since the leaves were brown and withered on the ground, they represented sadness and loss. Even the porch is symbolic. Since I dreamt of an open porch w/o railings or enclosures, my personality is very outgoing. Basically it sounds like when I'm asleep I feel empowered and safe even while dealing w/ the loss of my mother. When I'm awake.........not so much.

Lately, in my waking hours, I've been worrying that other people I love will die. My husband is a line-haul driver, and I worry that, w/ all this snow and ice and fog, that he'll get into a fatal accident. Today my brother left a voice mail message on my cell phone. The way he started out the message made me jump to the conclusion that something bad had happened to a close family friend. Nothing did, but I had a momentary, sinking feeling that his message was going to be similar to the phone calls I received from him when Mom was in the hospital. I wouldn't say I'm paralyzed w/ fear, but maybe I have enough of it that my grandfather had to come protect me in my dream, and the spider had to remind me of my power as a woman.