Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Since this is my final post, I feel that I should have some "slam-bang finish" as Bing Crosby says in White Christmas.  Essentially there's just two questions that I'd like to attempt to answer: 1) What have I learned during this year of mourning my mother's death? and 2) Where do I go from here?

What have I learned?  I learned that the death of someone so dear and so close wasn't the death of me.  There were times when I questioned my survival and my existence, yet one day became the next and still I kept breathing.  I learned there are some very selfish people in this world, and every time I felt myself turning into one of them, I tried to do something for someone else.  Mom did that a lot.  I learned to listen to all those lessons that Mom had been teaching me over the last 45 years, even the ones I didn't realize.  The lessons where she taught by example rather than by lecture.  When I learned to still my own thoughts, I could hear Mom's voice of reason. I learned there's a time to break down and a time to be strong; the challenge is knowing which time is which.  I learned there are actually times when breaking down is the strong thing to do b/c once I bore my soul, there's not much more any mortal can do to me.  Kinda like when God broke Moses while wandering in the desert so he could build him back-up to the man he was destined to be.  Destiny leads me to the second question.

Where do I go from here?  The simplest answer is that I should just trust in the Lord.  I rarely do simple.  I trust that when major decisions and dilemmas arise, God will be close-by to give me clues as to how I'm to proceed.  And I trust that I will listen.  But I also must trust that I can develop a plan that will take me beyond just the day-to-day breathing-in and breathing-out.  I want my daughters to be able to reflect on my life and see a strong woman after whom they can pattern their lives while feeling free to digress from the blue print.  I want them to come-into-their-own while I'm still alive to see it; not waiting for me to die to learn how to breathe on their own. 

Another answer to the question of where I go from here it to just keep going from here.  I'll continue to mark life's major events like Kenzie's high school graduation, Maddy's baptism, birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals.  I'll continue to mark the daily accomplishments and challenges brought by being a mother, teacher, daughter, sister, friend.  But I also want more.  I want to become and paid and published writer whose essays and stories and poems will help other people mark time in their lives.  I want to travel and write about my travels.  I want to write about little things and show them in a big way just like Georgia O'Keeffe did w/  the flowers she painted.  I have a sign in my office, "To teach is to touch a life forever."  W/ the 20 years that I've been in education I know I've touched thousands of lives and that's exhilarating as well as humbling.  I want my writing to touch millions.  That's not asking much, right?

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Inspiration comes in the strangest places.  Today while getting my teeth cleaned, the dental hygienist asked about my holiday plans.  Of course, I had to tell her that I'd be w/ my dad and that my mom passed away last December.  This brought the tears, and I thought that would be all.  But she kept talking about her mother's death and asking about my mom's death.  Trust me....having dental tools in your mouth scraping and scratching while the tears are running down your cheeks is uncomfortable and awkward.  And still she kept talking about the loss of a mother.  She did get me a couple of tissues so that helped......a little.  Out of all this, however, there was a bright spot, and I'm not talking about my newly polished teeth.  She talked about some of the things her mother taught her like being nice to people (not sure she learned that one) and smiling at others to brighten their day (well, that made sense).  Upon leaving the dentist's office, I was in the mindset of what Mom had taught me.

When I arrived home and got the mail, I read our local newspaper.  The lead story was about the city council needing a replacement for a recently vacated position.  As providence would have it, the representative needed to be from Ward 2.  This ward is literally divided by the street upon which I reside.  If I had lived on the east side, I would be in a different ward, but since I live on the west side of N. Sixth Street, I reside in Ward 2.  One of the most important lessons Mom taught me was to give back to my community so I called the city offices and gave them my name to be considered for the appointment.  Whether I receive the appointment or not, I continue to strive to live a life that Mom would be proud of while creating a life of my own choosing.

Monday, 20 December 2010

In flipping through channels tonight, I saw that The Family Stone w/ Sarah Jessica Parker was on.  We watched that movie last Thanksgiving w/ Mom.  I regret now not asking her what she thought of the movie, but at the time I feared that it would upset her if she was relating to Diane Keaton's character, who dies of breast cancer at the end of the movie.  Not sure I'll ever be able to watch that movie again, but I am learning my lesson to say what I feel when I feel it.....no more holding back. 

Sunday, 19 December 2010

This was an amazing weekend filled w/ laughs and reminiscences, and I was able to spend the entire weekend bonding w/ my daughters.  Despite this emotional soaring, the closer we got to home, the tighter the knot in my stomach formed.  Doug refuses to leave, which causes an immense emotional strain on all of us.  He's now renigging on everything he originally agreed upon in the divorce settlement.  Iowa divorce code says he gets half of my retirement accounts even though he has no retirement funds of his own.  We had agreed that he would not pay child support in exchange for me taking over the mortgage payment and retaining all the equity.  He informed me just now that he will be requesting half of the current equity, and now he's decided to sit right behind me on the couch while I'm typing this b/c he's tired of living in the basement.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  How quickly the soaring turns to slumping.

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Wow!  I've forgotten what it's like to have an active five-year-old and eight-year-old.  This morning we went to Lucia's gymnastics class, did some final Christmas shopping, then had a wonderful lunch at The Cafeteria in Calhoun Square.  This gave us just enough time to run back to their house to put on Under Armour, ski pants, boots, neck gators, etc., etc. before  heading out to Hyland Ski and Snowboard Area for Lucia and Isabel's ski lesson.  Maddy, who hadn't been on skis since she was four, skied w/ Lori and her friend Tim while I watched the little girls during their lessons.  Maddy had an absolute blast and can't wait to ski again.  We may be making several trips to Mankato and Minneapolis this winter! 

After a few hours at Hyland, we headed back to Lori and Heather's to get ready for a small dinner party w/ their friends Tim and Karen and their two kids.  It was a delightful evening.  I've forgotten how much I enjoy talking w/ people.  It was amazing to sit around the dining room table w/ great food, delicious wine, and stimulating conversation about religion, education, and politics.  I was so happy that Kenzie and Maddy could be part of these conversations to both expand and express their minds, and I was pleased that they could see me be happy.

Heather mentioned how her yoga instructor has given her the mantra, "This is how it is now."  It's a good mantra for me to repeat right now to help me accept that my life is changing, but I would add the phrase, "but I have the power to change it."  Some situations can't be changed such as the death of my mother so to be motherless is how my life is now.  But I have the power to change other situations such as an unhappy marriage.  The simple concept of knowing what I can change, and what I can't has been a long, difficult lesson this year.  Now to solidify any lesson and mantra, I must repeat it and repeat it until I can live it w/o even thinking about it.

Friday, 17 December 2010

(NOTE:  The next three entries were all written on Sunday, 19 December 2010, b/c I spent the weekend in Minneapolis reconnecting w/ my sister.)

Kenzie, Maddy, and I arrived at Lori and Heather's this evening.  This was the first time I've seen my sister and her family since Mom's funeral, yet we fell right into the same connection we've had all our lives as if a year hadn't transpired.  We all talked and laughed and drank wine (well, my girls and her girls didn't) until one in the morning.  I'm blessed to have a closer relationship now w/ my dad, and my relationship w/ Ron has always been solid through all imaginable and unimaginable trials.  To have reconnected w/ Lori, my only sister, is to regain part of myself.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

I'm almost afraid to say it......for fear I'll sound like a bad person.......and jinx this feeling.  I feel free.  I feel free to NOT be the perfect mother and not be the perfect housekeeper.  I feel free from judgment.  I don't know that I was ever consciously aware of Mom judging my abilities as a daughter, wife, and mother, but obviously, unconsciously I felt some.  All these thoughts came to me today while making lunch for my daughters and, of all things, cleaning the microwave.  The microwave was completely disgusting, and I didn't feel a bit guilty about having neglected it.  Instead I thought, "I know how to clean a microwave when the need arises, and that's good enough."  I gave myself permission today to NOT be perfect.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Today was a whirlwind of activity, and I can't exactly say where all the time went.  I gave two finals in the morning then was a grading fool for the rest of the day.  Zumba w/ Kenzie in the early evening led to chillin' on the couch w/ Maddy. 

I could say the same for this past year.......I don't know where all the time went.  Some nights were dreadfully long, but this blog helped me deal w/ all the emotions.  Some nights were just too difficult to face those emotions so I postponed them for a day.  Some nights I wished the year or mourning was over b/c I just knew all would be well by 23 December 2010.  Some nights were firsts, others were lasts.  Some nights flew by w/ the exhaustion of softball games or walking the streets of London or touring the chateaus of France.  But some nights turned into the next nights, and gradually I began to feel that I would be okay.  Because somewhere along the nights, I gave myself permission to love, honor, and miss my mother w/o regrets.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Last year on this date, we buried Mom.  It was a bleak and frigid day w/ wind chills that sent the temperature well below zero.  The graveside tent had blown off leaving the bare poles to frame the rows of chairs facing her grave stone.  I remember nothing of what the minister said.  I only recall feeling that my heart was freezing, and I would never again know the unconditional love of a mother for her child.

Last year on this date, I looked upon her face for the last time.  I fussed over her hair each time Dad would touch the top of her head.  I fussed just as she did each day before school as I'd sit on a kitchen chair while she brushed, combed, braided, and bobby-pinned my hair.

Last year on this date, people drove through a snowstorm to say "Good-bye" to a mother, grandmother, sister-in-law, aunt, cousin, friend, teacher, and woman who knew her mind and spoke it.  Visiting w/ my former teacher last weekend, her son, who currently sits on the city council, served one year w/ Mom.  I was proud to hear how, despite being the oldest member and the only woman, she wasn't intimidated by these younger men.  She was determined to hold the city workers accountable for their jobs, which is something the council is now realizing is a necessity. 

Last year on this date, most of her family gathered in her Sunday School room before going into the sanctuary for her service. I sat in the front row staring at the Christmas trees she had traced and cut out for her nursery students.  She was all around us that day, one year ago, and anytime I fear that feeling may be fading, I will return to this blog to relive the joy and the pain, the love and the pride.  I will not forget.

Monday, 13 December 2010

Today is the feast day of Saint Lucy, the patron saint for the eyes, which are known as the "light of the body."  The legend says that she chose to give her life and virginity to Christ so she asked to be released from her betrothal and her dowry distributed to the poor.  She reputedly took food to Christians hiding underground, and when he betrothed discovered this, he turned her in to the authorities.  December 13th marks the date when she was tortured and died.  You can read more about this legend at http://www.thebulletin.us/articles/2010/12/13/top_stories/doc4d063ea12c5a7911569565.txt. 

On this date last year, we held Mom's visitation where for three hours people came to pay honor to her.  I didn't know it at the time, but it was completely fitting that this should happen on Saint Lucy Day.  She certainly was the light of our family and a light to hundreds of small children who received their first lessons about Jesus from Lucy.  There is a Divine plan in action.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

I put my grief to the test yesterday while visiting my former teacher, and mother of one of my high school classmates, who's husband's funeral was on the 10th.  I did okay while listening to her talk of her husband's final months and days, but when she switched to talking about how wonderful my mother was, my tears welled up.  They welled up, but they didn't spill over.  Although hearing these kind words made my grief feel very raw and open, I needed to hear them.  I can't keep my sorrow locked up one year later or even ten years later.  I have to continue bring it out in the open, air it out, learn from my reaction to it, and move forward.

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Tonight's blizzard certainly reminds me more of last year.  Ron, Dad, and I did make it out to the cemetery this morning while it was just raining.  Ron made a beautiful winter/Christmas arrangement to put on Mom's gravestone.  Technically it's Dad's stone too, but hopefully I won't have to say "their gravestone" for a long time.  But I know there are days, especially now, when he is very lonely.  It's not as easy for him to get out or for others to get out to him.  It breaks my heart to hear him say that the only people he talked to in a day was the checkout clerk at the grocery store and me on the phone.  I know that if he had more than a fifth grade education and could read and write better he wouldn't have so much time to just sit.  He never believes me when I tell him he's a very smart man who knows algebra and geometry b/c that's what it takes to build and remodel rooms and staircases and do woodworking w/o any patterns.  Not being able to putz out in his shop also makes these days longer. 

After the cemetery and running some errands, we talked about the past.  Before Mom died, Dad was never one to talk about days gone by, but I think it brings him comfort now b/c Mom was a part of those days.  He told a wonderful story about how he and his cousin Paul when they were kids would ride on the wagon behind the tractor into the small town of Kesley.  They would gather rocks and throw them at the mailboxes they passed and quite good at hitting them by the time they got from the farm to the town.  He told another story of how he and Paul would catch ground squirrels and turn them in to the town grocer who would pay them a nickel.  The grocer would take them out behind the store where Dad and Paul would retrieve them and sell them to the grocer again.  I think Dad could add "shrewd businessman" to his list of talents!

I told Dad today that I'm getting a divorce.  I was worried that he'd be worried about me, but his first response was, "I figured something wasn't right."  It's funny how those closest to us see more than we realize.  He knows I can take care of myself and my daughters so there were no tears and no harsh words and no judgment.  He just wants the same thing Mom always wanted.....for me to be happy.  He also said later tonight, "Mom knows."  I added, "She also knows how unhappy I've been."  And just like that it's accepted.  Dad's a smart man!

Friday, 10 March 2010

I didn't plan it this way, but it's appropriate that today, the one-year anniversary of Mom's death, I started a new phase of my life.  I filed for divorce this afternoon.  I know this will come as a shock to many, but for those who are close to me, this has been a long-time coming.  You may question, "Why now on the anniversary of my mother's death would I choose to file for divorce?"  I know I certainly asked myself that, and I've wondered if I mistook my feelings of discontent over my marriage w/ feelings of grief over losing Mom.  But if anything, my grief should've prevented me from wanting to add another trauma to my life.  I feel just the opposite.  I feel freed.  I feel rejuvenated.  Mom's voice has been ringing inside my head for many months to "Be happy."  That's how she used to always end our phone conversations and how we'd part after visiting for the weekend.  I want to be happy, and I haven't been happy for a very long time.....much longer than this year of grieving.  No one can pick one moment or one event as the primary cause for a dissolution of marriage.  Causes build over time, and I finally found the courage to face the effects of divorce.  Maybe courage is too bold a word since I chose to do this when Mom isn't here to object, not here to hide her disappointment, not here to question what this is doing to my daughters.  I understand what this is doing to Doug and to Kenzie and Maddy.  This is a complete upheaval of their lives, and for that I am sorry.  If this year since Mom's death has taught me anything, it's that life is too short to not live it the way you want.  I'm tired of living my life for other people.  There's a great line in the movie, The Holiday, when an old, retired screenwriter says to Kate Winslet's character, "You should at least be the leading lady in your own life."  Well, I'm taking back the leading role in my life, and doing what I think is best and what I know will make me happy.  That means risking everything, but not taking risks isn't really living.  And not really living is just one step away from dieing.  I was slowly dieing from the inside-out, and I had to stop the decay.  This certainly isn't what I expected to be writing about as I anticipated this anniversary, but I think it's fitting that as I end my year of mourning, I begin the first of many years of living my life on my terms.

Thursday, 09 December 2010

Last year at this time we were shoveling out of a blizzard after having made a perilous trip to see Mom in the hospital.  When we left the hospital on this night last year, I had no idea I'd be driving back the next day to watch my mother die.  Last year at this time, I was cautiously optimistic that Mom would beat the pneumonia like she'd beat all the cancers and illnesses before.  Looking back now, I realize I was in denial already then; in fact I'd been in denial for over a year.  One of the last memories I have of Mom, when she was upright and conscious, is her patting the hospital bed wanting me to sit near her.  I did, but instead of talking about how grateful I was that she was my mother, I blabbered on about stupid, trivial goings-on in my life.  I tend to do that when I'm nervous and uncomfortable.  This is one of my regrets that we didn't have a heart-to-heart talk one last time, which actually would've been our first time.  This is something that I've tried to change in my relationship w/ my daughters so I guess I'm saying exactly what Kenzie was saying to me last night: "When I'm a mom, I'll do things differently."  I learned how to be a mom by following what my mom did, but also by going my own way too so it's only fair to let my daughter do the same when she's a mom......many years down the road.

Wednesday, 08 December 2010

Kenzie said to me tonight as we were leaving Zumba that she's going to get more involved in her kids' school activities.  You could've knocked me over w/ a feather.  I organized her AAU basketball team for two years, but b/c I didn't make bars or cookies like some of the other mothers, I wasn't involved.  She back-pedaled a little and said I was willing to do things for the arts...........gosh, you think, serving on the Patrons of the Fine Arts Board, accompanying the middle school choirs for five year, leading the campaign to save a music teacher's position.....I don't think she sees me.  She said I wasn't understanding what she had in her head but couldn't say.  What I understand is that it's not what you do but what you don't do that's remembered.  I've heard that's the same as trying to get into heaven.  God doesn't look at what you've done in your life, but what you didn't do.  Maybe I was the same way toward my mom when I was 17.  If there was anything Mom didn't do for me then, I don't remember it now.  Maybe time will cause Kenzie to judge me a little less harshly and remember the swim meets that I drove four hours to watch her swim 5 minutes, and the nights I stayed up until midnight making hats for her Mother Goose birthday party.  Every mother can quote a long list of things she did, and every teenager only remembers what every mother didn't do that every other mother did.  I'm tired, I'm hurt, and I'm cranky, and in two days I have to relive all the pain of that same night one year ago.  I'm going to bed, and pray for a good night's sleep.  I don't remember what that feels like. 

Tuesday, 07 December 2010

I did some Christmas shopping tonight and finished putting up the inside decorations.  I ordered most of the girls' presents online yesterday.  Now I need to find some time to get the outside lights put up.  I was even thinking tonight about doing some holiday baking and putting together Christmas baskets like I've done in past years.  Well, I didn't get any made last year.  I was doubting whether I'd ever get in the holiday spirit, but joy breeds joy.  Listening to holiday music, seeing other people's Christmas decorations, and helping a woman in WalMart tonight got me out of my funk.  She was vertically challenged and couldn't reach some pull chains so I got them for her, and for the first time this year said, "Merry Christmas."  Then I saw a former student and her son and wished them, "Merry Christmas."  It's like the point in How the Grinch Stole Christmas when the Grinch is just about to drop the Who's Christmas bundle over a cliff. "And what happened then...?  Well...in Who-ville they say That the Grinch's small heart Grew three sizes that day!"  Now picture me racing home w/ my packages and grinning as I prepare to carve "the roast beast!"  Well, at least chicken......I'm a pesco pollo vegetarian.

Monday, 06 December 2010

Very, very strange dream last night.  I was in a room w/ a body bag, and when the bag was unzipped my sister, Lori, was inside.  She was very pale, and I asked if she was dead.  A voice said, "No, she's just sleeping."  So I touched her hand and rubbed her cheek, and her eyes opened.  I wasn't scared.  I was ecstatic to have found my sister.  This may sound like a horribly bizarre dream, but I see it as a good omen.  Lori and I have been estranged for nearly eight months, but last Thursday we re-connected over the phone.  My girls and I are going to visit her and her family in Minneapolis in a couple of weeks.  I've missed them very, very much.  I imagine her girls have grown as much as mine have.......probably more since they're five and eight and changes are much more obvious.  I regret the time that we've lost but am overjoyed that we're not going to waste any more.  I think I've just about reached the point of accepting that "Mom-the-Gluestick" isn't here to keep our family together.  If I want to have relationships w/ my siblings, I'm going to have put forth the effort to do just that.

Sunday, 05 December 2010

If Mom was alive, she and Dad would've been here today for the girls' Christmas concert.  As it was, Dad stayed home, and I sat w/ friends to watch Kenzie and Maddy sing and Maddy play her flute.  Mom would be amazed at how much they've grown.  I didn't even recognize Maddy at first, and she was standing right next to her sister.  When did she get so tall and grown-up?  If Mom were here, Maddy would be measuring her height by standing next to Grandma.  Grandma was the measuring stick by which both girls saw how much they were growing.  Maddy hadn't quite caught up last year to Mom's height of 5'3", but she would've passed her this year.  Mom continues to be a measuring stick for how I live my life, both what she did well and how she could've improved.  No life is perfect, but each life is a building block for the next.  It's when we forget that we stand on the foundation of those who came before us that those blocks come tumbling down.

If anything good can come out of losing a loved one, I'd have to say it's that I've remembered how to be sociable.  Since I didn't have family to sit w/ at the concert today, I sat w/ a friend.  Losing Mom has taught me that family members don't have to be connected by blood.

Saturday, 04 December 2010 -- Day 349

I'm quite blah today.  I'm reaching the end of this blog, and like a ritardando at the end of a song, or a train approaching the station, I'm winding down.  Years ago when I read my great grandmother's journals, I was always amazed when she said that she didn't get much done on certain days, and then went off to list the three pies and two loaves of bread she baked; the laundry she did by hand; the meals she prepared and cleaned-up after; the sewing, ironing, etc., etc.  Mom was the same way.  When she was really sick and tired, she never complained about the pain but instead focused on all the work she didn't get done that day.  Yet, she'd go on to list how she did laundry, baked cookies, and swept the floor.  Well, Grandma Annie and Mama Lucy, I really didn't get much done today.  I just dusted and vacuumed so I can start putting up Christmas decorations tomorrow even though my heart isn't in it.

Friday, 03 December 2010 -- Day 348

I was very much out-of-sorts today.  I had no "sit in my pants," as Mom used to say.  Just when I would sit down to work on something, my mind would start to wander, and  before I knew it, my body was following.  I abaondoned ship and left my office early to go home and blow snow.  I often find that physical labor is a wonderful distraction, and I usually can work out any problem by getting my hands dirty and my neck sweaty.  Alas, today it was not to be.  While blowing the snow in front of Kenzie's garage, I didn't see the electrical cord that Doug ran from the garage's outlet to his dog's kennel.  It took several sparks before I realized what had happened, and it's amazing that I wasn't electrocuted before I could get the snow blower shut off.  Yep, the cord had been severed completely, which did make it easier to remove the half that was wound around the auger.  I think from now on when I'm out-of-sorts w/ not sit-in-my-pants, I'll just take a walk.

Thursday, 02 December 2010 -- Day 347

I dreamt last night that I found Mom and gave her a big hug.  She was wearing yellow.  She always looked good in yellow.  Once again I turned to www.dreammoods.com.  This is what it said about hugging:

"To dream that you are hugging someone, symbolizes your loving and caring nature. You are holding someone or something close to your heart. Alternatively, it may indicate your need to be more affectionate."

I know that when I started this grieving process and made note of my dreams I commented on how I was upset that I hadn't yet seen Mom in my dreams.  She's entered my dreams several times during the last few months, and now that I'm hugging her, I think it's b/c I'm ready to hold her "close to (my) heart" even though I can't hold her close in my arms.

Wednesday, 01 December 2010 -- Day 346

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but Kenzie and I have been taking Zumba classes for about a month.  Zumba uses dance and aerobic movement set to Latin music so it's an amazing workout, it's fun, and best of all I get to spend time w/ my daughter.  This exercise has boosted my energy level, and all those endorphins really have made me happier.  Since I'm happier, I'm less focused on my loss and more focused on what I gained from being Mom's daughter.  Since I'm doing these 45-minutes classes of nonstop movement twice-a-week, I've lost weight and gained definition.  This is definitely a win-win situation.  About the only thing that would make it better would be if Mom were taking the class w/ me.  She would've loved the dance moves, and since she taught me how to dance, I guess in a way she is enjoying the class.