Wednesday, 08 December 2010

Kenzie said to me tonight as we were leaving Zumba that she's going to get more involved in her kids' school activities.  You could've knocked me over w/ a feather.  I organized her AAU basketball team for two years, but b/c I didn't make bars or cookies like some of the other mothers, I wasn't involved.  She back-pedaled a little and said I was willing to do things for the arts...........gosh, you think, serving on the Patrons of the Fine Arts Board, accompanying the middle school choirs for five year, leading the campaign to save a music teacher's position.....I don't think she sees me.  She said I wasn't understanding what she had in her head but couldn't say.  What I understand is that it's not what you do but what you don't do that's remembered.  I've heard that's the same as trying to get into heaven.  God doesn't look at what you've done in your life, but what you didn't do.  Maybe I was the same way toward my mom when I was 17.  If there was anything Mom didn't do for me then, I don't remember it now.  Maybe time will cause Kenzie to judge me a little less harshly and remember the swim meets that I drove four hours to watch her swim 5 minutes, and the nights I stayed up until midnight making hats for her Mother Goose birthday party.  Every mother can quote a long list of things she did, and every teenager only remembers what every mother didn't do that every other mother did.  I'm tired, I'm hurt, and I'm cranky, and in two days I have to relive all the pain of that same night one year ago.  I'm going to bed, and pray for a good night's sleep.  I don't remember what that feels like.