Since this is my final post, I feel that I should have some "slam-bang finish" as Bing Crosby says in White Christmas. Essentially there's just two questions that I'd like to attempt to answer: 1) What have I learned during this year of mourning my mother's death? and 2) Where do I go from here?
What have I learned? I learned that the death of someone so dear and so close wasn't the death of me. There were times when I questioned my survival and my existence, yet one day became the next and still I kept breathing. I learned there are some very selfish people in this world, and every time I felt myself turning into one of them, I tried to do something for someone else. Mom did that a lot. I learned to listen to all those lessons that Mom had been teaching me over the last 45 years, even the ones I didn't realize. The lessons where she taught by example rather than by lecture. When I learned to still my own thoughts, I could hear Mom's voice of reason. I learned there's a time to break down and a time to be strong; the challenge is knowing which time is which. I learned there are actually times when breaking down is the strong thing to do b/c once I bore my soul, there's not much more any mortal can do to me. Kinda like when God broke Moses while wandering in the desert so he could build him back-up to the man he was destined to be. Destiny leads me to the second question.
Where do I go from here? The simplest answer is that I should just trust in the Lord. I rarely do simple. I trust that when major decisions and dilemmas arise, God will be close-by to give me clues as to how I'm to proceed. And I trust that I will listen. But I also must trust that I can develop a plan that will take me beyond just the day-to-day breathing-in and breathing-out. I want my daughters to be able to reflect on my life and see a strong woman after whom they can pattern their lives while feeling free to digress from the blue print. I want them to come-into-their-own while I'm still alive to see it; not waiting for me to die to learn how to breathe on their own.
Another answer to the question of where I go from here it to just keep going from here. I'll continue to mark life's major events like Kenzie's high school graduation, Maddy's baptism, birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals. I'll continue to mark the daily accomplishments and challenges brought by being a mother, teacher, daughter, sister, friend. But I also want more. I want to become and paid and published writer whose essays and stories and poems will help other people mark time in their lives. I want to travel and write about my travels. I want to write about little things and show them in a big way just like Georgia O'Keeffe did w/ the flowers she painted. I have a sign in my office, "To teach is to touch a life forever." W/ the 20 years that I've been in education I know I've touched thousands of lives and that's exhilarating as well as humbling. I want my writing to touch millions. That's not asking much, right?
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