Friday, 10 March 2010

I didn't plan it this way, but it's appropriate that today, the one-year anniversary of Mom's death, I started a new phase of my life.  I filed for divorce this afternoon.  I know this will come as a shock to many, but for those who are close to me, this has been a long-time coming.  You may question, "Why now on the anniversary of my mother's death would I choose to file for divorce?"  I know I certainly asked myself that, and I've wondered if I mistook my feelings of discontent over my marriage w/ feelings of grief over losing Mom.  But if anything, my grief should've prevented me from wanting to add another trauma to my life.  I feel just the opposite.  I feel freed.  I feel rejuvenated.  Mom's voice has been ringing inside my head for many months to "Be happy."  That's how she used to always end our phone conversations and how we'd part after visiting for the weekend.  I want to be happy, and I haven't been happy for a very long time.....much longer than this year of grieving.  No one can pick one moment or one event as the primary cause for a dissolution of marriage.  Causes build over time, and I finally found the courage to face the effects of divorce.  Maybe courage is too bold a word since I chose to do this when Mom isn't here to object, not here to hide her disappointment, not here to question what this is doing to my daughters.  I understand what this is doing to Doug and to Kenzie and Maddy.  This is a complete upheaval of their lives, and for that I am sorry.  If this year since Mom's death has taught me anything, it's that life is too short to not live it the way you want.  I'm tired of living my life for other people.  There's a great line in the movie, The Holiday, when an old, retired screenwriter says to Kate Winslet's character, "You should at least be the leading lady in your own life."  Well, I'm taking back the leading role in my life, and doing what I think is best and what I know will make me happy.  That means risking everything, but not taking risks isn't really living.  And not really living is just one step away from dieing.  I was slowly dieing from the inside-out, and I had to stop the decay.  This certainly isn't what I expected to be writing about as I anticipated this anniversary, but I think it's fitting that as I end my year of mourning, I begin the first of many years of living my life on my terms.