My mother passed away on December 10, 2009. I needed a way to help myself work through the grieving process. I knew that just writing an occasional entry in a paper journal wouldn't help me deal w/ the myriad of emotions. I've pledged to write in this blog every day for a year to chronicle what I hope will lead from the pain of mourning to the glory of remembrance.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thursday, 09 December 2010
Last year at this time we were shoveling out of a blizzard after having made a perilous trip to see Mom in the hospital. When we left the hospital on this night last year, I had no idea I'd be driving back the next day to watch my mother die. Last year at this time, I was cautiously optimistic that Mom would beat the pneumonia like she'd beat all the cancers and illnesses before. Looking back now, I realize I was in denial already then; in fact I'd been in denial for over a year. One of the last memories I have of Mom, when she was upright and conscious, is her patting the hospital bed wanting me to sit near her. I did, but instead of talking about how grateful I was that she was my mother, I blabbered on about stupid, trivial goings-on in my life. I tend to do that when I'm nervous and uncomfortable. This is one of my regrets that we didn't have a heart-to-heart talk one last time, which actually would've been our first time. This is something that I've tried to change in my relationship w/ my daughters so I guess I'm saying exactly what Kenzie was saying to me last night: "When I'm a mom, I'll do things differently." I learned how to be a mom by following what my mom did, but also by going my own way too so it's only fair to let my daughter do the same when she's a mom......many years down the road.
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