Wednesday, 06 January 2010

Mom was in my dream last night or early this morning. She was sitting at the kitchen table w/ me. She was talking, but I couldn't hear her or understand what she was saying. On this night of revelation and enlightenment, this Epiphany, this Twelfth Night, I wish that when I dream of my mother her thoughts be revealed to me.

I've had so many questions for her and need help recalling past events. Events that only she and I experienced, like the time she helped me find an apartment before I started grad school. There was this quansat-style place near the river that had a propane torch for a heater. I think that's right, but I'd like to ask her to make sure. I guess the details don't matter b/c the feeling remains: the joy of apartment-hunting w/ my mom and the humor we shared recalling that place. I need to ask her how much mozzarella she used to top her lasagna bake.

There were so many years when I was young and cocky that I didn't go to her w/ questions and advice. That would be a sign of ignorance and weakness, and a young woman striking out on her own can't afford to be either. What a fool I was, but I was just following her lead. She always appeared so strong and indestructible that I felt if I asked her for help, she'd think she had failed in raising me. Well, there's little doubt my daughters will NOT follow that thinking; they know how flawed I am.