Wednesday, 20 January 2010

My thoughts are very jumbled and random today....guess that's what comes from another "Snow Day" in an already long winter.

I woke this morning at four o’clock coughing and having difficulty breathing. Thinking I was getting a chest cold, I headed to the bathroom to slather Vicks Vapor Rub on my chest. When I returned to bed, I tried to relax and get my breathing under control and not succumb to panic that my next breath would be my last. And as I lay there, I thought about Mom gasping for breath once the breathing tube was removed. She was calm; she didn’t struggle. Witnessing that when was both beautiful and terrible. I got to tell her how much I loved her and how proud I was to be her daughter, but I also watched as her breathing became more labored and the time between each breath lengthened. Everyone should be given the opportunity to witness death, but no one should have to go through it. I know it doesn’t make sense. I don't know that I can articulate this in a way that does. I know I need to explore my feelings about the last few hours of Mom's life, but I'm not ready for that yet.

I still don’t think the permanence of death has hit me yet. Maybe that’s denial. I just can’t fathom never talking to her again or hugging her or tasting her fried chicken. I remember the biggest problem I had the many times I tried to quit smoking was that I couldn't imagine never having another cigarette ever again in my life. Once I got my head around the fact that living without cigarettes was possible and even pleasurable, and it took me three times to get there, I knew I could quit. I know it will never be pleasurable, but I hope it will be possible to someday accept the loss. Comparing Mom's death to quitting smoking is a poor analogy, but I'm tired; I've been up since four this morning.

BTW, I don't have a chest cold. I realized at some point today that I haven't taken my asthma medicine in a few days. My difficulty in breathing was a mild attack, but the Vicks and thoughts of Mom helped to open my bronchial tubes.