I'm struggling right now w/ the public face of grieving. When I'm in public, am I doing Mom's memory an injustice by laughing and dancing? And, if people who know I'm in mourning see me laughing or dancing, are they thinking I'm being disrespectful?
The other day my younger daughter and I were dancing in the kitchen, and I was jettisoned back to Mom's kitchen w/ her twirling me around to some rock-a-billy tune. Mom loved to dance, and she was a good dancer. She was the only dance teacher I ever had, and I think she did a pretty good job b/c I love to dance, and I've passed that love on to my daughters. I didn't feel a bit guilty or disrespectful when my husband and I went dancing on New Year's Eve. I saw older couples, close to my parents' ages, dancing, and in them, I saw Mom and Dad. And that made me smile and kick up my heels. But they didn't know my mother had recentlyl died, and I knew they didn't know so maybe I was pretending, just for a few hours that I wasn't mourning her loss.
I'm blessed w/ friends who have sent cards, memorials, and emails, but after the perfunctory, "I'm sorry for your loss," where do we go? Some inquire, "Was it sudden?" Others, "Had she been ill?" Most don't want to be too intrusive or get too emotional. I'm finally ready to talk about Mom's death and her life w/o being overcome w/ emotion, but now, almost a month after her passing, people stop asking. I think sympathy cards should be sent out at intervals. We get them all in the first week, and then nothing. Please don't misunderstand, those cards are a God-send, and I continue to look through them, but it's like everyone else has moved on, and I'm left holding on to the grief. And if I don't hold on, then Mom is truly gone, forever. The next time someone I know loses someone close, I'm going to send a sympathy card every week for a month just so that person knows I know.
Some cultures wear black arm bands for a ritual period to remind themselves and everyone around them that they have suffered a deep sorrow that cannot be easily shaken off. With such a public display of grief, it would certainly be unacceptable to laugh and dance. I wore a black arm band in protest of the first Gulf War, and for the months that I wore it, I didn't smile--somehow it didn't seem right. Now I have a grief that is much closer than some unknown soldier or innocent civilian, and I'm not wearing any sign of mourning.
Do I honor Mom more with a somber public face or with a smile?
Then there's this thought....this blog is a public forum, although I have no idea if anyone is reading this, yet the public face here feels less complicated. I know my role here in this arena is to work through the grieving process. It's when I get out amongst people, and I must play many roles that I'm not sure how to act. When I'm a teacher, and a board member, and a pianist, what do I do w/ the grief?
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