Sunday, 03 January 2010

The girls go back to school tomorrow, which is probably why my youngest has been up three times feigning some type of malady. I know it's just nerves. I used to get them too. I remember the end of one Christmas vacation when I was a little younger than my youngest is now. I was anxious about returning to school after the holiday; I often had these bouts of anxiety, and I attribute them to my fear that Mom wouldn't be there when I got home. Let me back-up even farther for a moment. When I was four, Mom had ovarian cancer so I spent a lot of time in the care of friends and relatives. So terrified was I that something bad was going to happen to her, that when it came time for me to start kindergarten, I wailed as Mom left me at the school door. She then, as she told me years later, cried all the way home. My crying became so distracting that the teacher asked Mom's permission to spank me, and she did, and it worked. The crying stopped, but I think the fear of Mom's disappearance remained for many years. Anyway, back to the end of Christmas break when I was in about 5th or 6th grade. Mom always had a way of talking to me that was calming and sensible, but on that particular Sunday evening she wasn't feeling well. I climbed up on my dad's lap instead, but he didn't deal well w/ the anxieties of a pre-adolescent daughter. Oddly, as I recall it now it was the last time I recall having those anxieties or at least from that point on I tried to calm myself. I think one of the best gifts a mother can give a child is the guidance to reason and calm herself. A mother knows her physical presence in her child's life is ethereal, but her words and sentiments are immemorial. It was w/ that memory that I comforted my child.

I had another dream last night but couldn't remember it in as much detail. The only part that still sticks w/ me even now is being in a boat w/ a parachute attached to it. It wasn't like para sailing b/c the entire boat was in the air, but the parachute helped place us gently onto the water. I looked this up again at http://dreammoods.com, and it said that a parachute means that I feel protected despite the turmoil that surrounds me. The boat shows that I'm dealing w/ my emotions, and the fact that the water we landed on was smooth means my unconscious thinks I can handle what comes my way. It's good to now that my unconscious is handling all this so well, but I wish it would start transferring that to my conscious. If Mom were here she'd have the perfect way of telling me to be patient. Something like, "All things will come to pass." I guess all those years of her guidance have paid off after all.