Sunday, 17 January 2010

I am in a quandary. My brother and I have been planning a trip to Europe for about a year and a half. Several months before Mom passed, he and I had narrowed down dates and destinations and had discussed our plans in her presence. Our original intention was for her to go w/ us, but we knew about a year ago that this would not be possible. I have recently learned through my father, however, that Mom didn't like the idea of me taking this trip b/c I would be away from my children for two weeks, and she thought that was too long. I have to be honest, I'm a little hurt and angry that she never told me this. Hurt that she didn't trust our relationship enough to discuss this w/ me, and angry that I don't have the chance to discuss it w/ her now. I myself have had concerns about leaving my daughters for this amount of time, but since they will be 14 and 17 w/ means and maturity to get themselves where they need to be, I had been feeling a little less guilty. Prior to Mom's death, I had assuaged my guilt by thinking that she could spend a week w/ them in my absence. It seems rather selfish of me, doesn't it, and I feel the guilt is reaching beyond the grave. If I go ahead w/ the trip, will this guilt overshadow any enjoyment? Do I postpone the trip a year or two when my children are older? What if something happens at that time to my brother or me that prevents us from going? I'm in a quandary, and now I'm feeling guilty about being so selfish in thinking only of my pleasure. All this guilt, and I'm not even Catholic.