Just when I thought the fog in my brain and in my town was never going to clear.........the sun came out. Today was sun-filled, chasing away the fog and melting the ice on our driveways and sidewalks. This has been a rough winter in more ways than just the weather. When times got tough Mom used to always say things like, "God never gives us more than we can handle," and "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." I hated those sayings. Then I got sick. And my daughter got sick. And my mother died. And I continued to hate those sayings.
Mom was incredibly strong and yet the cancer still killed her. I'm tired of being tested to see how much I can handle. I can remember in Sunday School when I was young, my teacher talked about how God would challenge our faith through trials and tribulations. I used to pray to God that he wouldn't give me any of these tests b/c I would fail them. I didn't want to endure the loss of loved ones or divorce or loss of employment or property. For my first 20 years, God answered my prayers by shielding me from these losses. Then I got divorced. I again prayed for God to "let this cup pass from me." For the next 19 years, God again shielded me from pain and loss. Now in the last six years, I have survived kidney cancer and a brain aneurysm; my daughter has been diagnosed w/ Crohn's Disease; and my mother died. Maybe I need to again ask God to not test me and to shield me from anymore pain.
About 10 years ago I wrote a one-woman show based on my great grandmother's journals. I titled the show, Surely I Have Suffered and Survived b/c Great Grandma Annie endured separation from her family, the death of her husband and tuberculosis of the bowels that would now be called Crohn's Disease. And she survived. At least until she died. But there were good times mixed in w/ all the suffering. That has to outweigh or at least balance out all the suffering.
I'm angry at being tested again and again. I know I'm not supposed to question, "Why" but instead ask, "Why not?" I'm supposed to be honored that God thinks I'm strong enough to endure all this. I'll get there, eventually, but for now, I'm pissed. Yes, I know I'll survive b/c despite everything, the sun comes out and chases away the fog in my brain and the ice in my heart. At least until I die.
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