Monday, 25 October 2010 -- Day 309 (322)

Having never mourned the loss of someone close, I've had no idea what to expect on a daily basis.  I never would have fathomed I'd have such difficulty sleeping.  When Mom was sick,  my nightly prayers were pleas to heal her, and I always made a conscious effort to say, "please."  I think too many times we ask God for things, and we forget our manners.  Lately, however, I've tried in my nightly prayers to only focus on the "thank you's."  I'm trying to handle the pleas more on my own.  I have a quote that I keep in my office.  Last year I put it on the wall behind my desk so I'd be reminded of it every day.  This year I put it in my closet.  Maybe I need to get it back out.  It says, "Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms the child."  Mourning is about accepting that the storm is going to rage around me, and I can't do anything about it.  Accepting that Mom is gone for always, and accepting that I will have times when I can't sleep, or don't feel like eating, or have no desire for conversation.  I'm noticing though that if I keep my prayers focused on appreciation rather than appeals, my last thoughts before drifting off are not of Mom.  And then I seem to sleep better.