Friday, 29 October 2010 -- Day 313 (326)

Driving to Dad's tonight, I was wondering what my life will be like in five years.   Maddy will be done w/ her studies at Iowa Lakes Community College and moving out of the house to transfer to another college.  Kenzie will  be graduating from college and possibly starting grad school.  Up until now I've had a definite plan and direction to my life.  I've been a daughter, a student, a teacher, a mom, and a wife so I asked myself what I wanted to be next, and where I wanted to be doing it.  The answer I came up w/ is, "What does it matter?  Mom isn't here and Dad probably won't be in five years.  So what happens when I stop being a daughter?"  I know I need to live for now, but it's just out-of-character for me not to have at least a five-year plan.  I'm realizing that I never built this part of my life into my plan.  I never thought what my life would be like when my parents are gone and my children are grown.  The thing is, however, that I've never wanted to plan for this part, and I'm still not looking forward to it.  Yes, this is denial.  Recognizing it and putting a name to it doesn't make it any easier.