Wednesday, 17 January 2010 -- Day 59

I talked a few nights ago about some kind of handbook for grieving. My friend Lora pointed me in the direction of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. I remember hearing of the book, and I've heard of the stages of dying, although I didn't remember how many, but I didn't recall her name. I probably learned it during a psychology course in college, but it's been long forgotten. One of those situations where, "If you don't use it, you lose it." Only in this case, I didn't plan on losing anyone so I didn't feel the need for using it.

Anyway, I reviewed her five stages. According to them, I reached the anger stage last night w/ the pick-ax. I must have been in the denial stage for over a year, ever since we first found out that Mom only had 2-3 years left. (What a horrible expression, as if she were a battery or a set of tires.) Not bringing Hospice in around last Thanksgiving was certainly the pinnacle of denial. The next stage after anger is bargaining. Can't imagine what I could possibly bargain for at this point. Maybe I'll recognize it when I get there. So apparently after I get done bargaining for whatever it is I can get out of a life already lost, I'll move into the depression stage. Here's where the whole idea of "stages" breaks down for me. I think I've been drifting in and out of depression for over two months. Apparently my connotation of stages is different from the experts. I think that I will leave one stage to enter the next; the amount of time spent in each stage will vary, but I'll progress from one to two to three to four to five. No skipping stages. But if the grieving stages are anything like Mark Knapp's Stages of Relational Development, not only can I not skip stages, but I could get all the way to stage four and then go back to stage two. Maybe I should just read her entire book instead of speculating b/c maybe I have the right idea for stages in that they are permeable and fluid, and I can move in-and-out and back-and-forth. Still the notion that making it to stage five, acceptance, means I've reached a nirvana, of sorts. I don't want to reach that point only to fear a relapse into anger or denial.