I'm restless, frustrated, and pissed. Not exactly attributes to win me the mother- or wife- or teacher-of-the-year award. I'm going to try to figure out why I'm feeling all this.
We have three feet of snow on the ground, and it's so cold and windy that the only time I spend outside is walking the dog 20 minutes in the morning and again at night. Yep, that could make a person a little restless and stir-crazy.
My almost-14-year-old thinks I'm an idiot and couldn't possibly know anything about anything. I hope my mom never felt that way when I was almost 14. If she did, she never let on, and I never apologized. I hope she knew I didn't mean it. Yea, teenage daughters can be frustrating.
I'm pissed that I'm 150 miles from my dad and can't help him w/ the cooking and cleaning and laundry and just plain keeping him company. Some young woman from his church is doing the first and the last. No, it's nothing inappropriate. She's married w/ three kids and is young enough to be his granddaughter so I'm pissed that she gets to be there for him and I don't. Maybe I'm even a little jealous. Great....let's just throw another emotion into the mix. This is supposed to be helping me figure out the restlessness, frustration, and anger not adding more.
With all these emotions churning around, I turned to my piano for comfort and help me relax. I haven't really played since Mom passed away. Haven't really felt like it. Tonight was okay, not my best playing. My heart still isn't in it.
I tried a more physical approach to purge these emotions. I took a pick-ax to the snow and ice that has been building up at the end of our two driveways. But w/ each swing, I couldn't tell if it was the ice chips or the tears stinging my cheeks. There's nothing like taking a heavy object and smashing it into frozen water to clear the head and the heart. I'm sure my muscles will disagree tomorrow.
Maybe, just maybe......I don't know.....I'm feeling restless, frustrated, and pissed b/c my mom is dead. She's never coming back. I'm motherless. Did I mention that I'm also feeling cynical?
I think these new emotions are a good sign. You know Kubler-Ross and all that jazz. Actually, there was a movie called "All That Jazz" and it was about the stages of death...Free association, Sorry.
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I've heard of her book but didn't know (or had forgotten) her name. Thanks for putting me in touch w/ that....it may show up in tonight's post??!! I've heard of the song "All That Jazz" but haven't seen the movie. Not sure though if I want to make that one of our "movie night" picks.
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