Tuesday, 02 February 2010

I was contemplating writing something very brief tonight b/c I'm really tired and writing seemed like a lot of work. Then I thought about how hard Mom worked the last two years of her life and especially the last two months to fight the cancers and then the pneumonia. And she never complained. She just kept fighting. If the doctors said they wanted to do chemo or radiation or surgery, she said, "Okay," b/c she planned to fight to the end. She entered the hospital for the last time by ambulance b/c she was too weak to support herself. When I visited her the next day, Dad was rubbing lotion on her back, and with a thickness in his throat he said to her, "You quit on me, Ma. That's the first time you've done that." Living had just become too hard.

I've been thinking a lot today about the work ethic that my parents instilled in me. They had the American dream that hard work pays off, and whatever you want, you get it through hard work. But what if the effort isn't worth the result. Winter in Iowa requires a lot of work just to go outside, and is it worth it to freeze your fanny? When I lived in Texas, people who knew I was from Iowa would ask me if I had ever gotten tired of bundling-up each time I went outside in the winter. My response was that I didn't even think twice about it. It was just something we had to do, so we did it. Once I discovered there were places where I didn't have to wear four layers of clothing just to get from my house to my car, I began to notice just how much work I have to go through to live in Iowa in the winter. But this is my home so it's worth it, and maybe sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Relationships take work, and the more effort, the bigger the rewards. Sometimes I worry that I didn't work hard enough at my relationship w/ my mother. I know there were the early teens when I didn't think she knew anything, and my early 20's when I was too determined to make it on my own that I'm afraid she felt I didn't need her. I know I got the chance at the end to tell her that I loved her and needed here, but I don't think I did a very good job of showing that I needed her. That's something that's always been very difficult for me: to need others enough to let them help me. But needing and helping and loving are worthwhile, and anything worthwhile is worth work.

Looks like I was able to work harder tonight than I thought. That must mean this blog is worthwhile.