Sunday, 07 February 2010

We measure much of our lives by firsts. Our first smile, tooth, step, day of school, recital, prom, graduation. These markers help us gauge our development and productivity. We anticipate these milestones. As I look at the year ahead, I see a lot of firsts: the first Christmas w/o Mom; the first time I won't get a card from her on my birthday w/ some gift or mad money; the first Easter where she won't have the foil-covered, chocolate Easter eggs evenly divided so each grandchild and great grandchild can find the same amount; the first Mother's Day w/o her; missing her 80th birthday. I don't want to measure time this way, but I don't have a choice.

And this lack of power is frustrating, but this too is how we measure our lives. We mark time by the people to whom we relinquish control: first our parents then our teachers and coaches then our employers. We're either fighting for control or fighting w/ those who control us. We have either the choice to submit or the choice to fight. My mother always spoke of my independent nature almost from my first breath so you know that I fit into the latter category that's usually fighting for control or fighting against who try to control. And then there is death. Yes, some commit suicide or use euthanasia as a way to regain control. For the rest of us, however, we have no control over when God calls us home.

As I see it, we again have two choices: we can walk around pissed at this lack of power and grumble through life, or we can submit and let someone greater than ourselves take the reins. One of my favorite memories of our Cancun vacation last summer was playing in the ocean w/ my younger daughter. We started out body surfing, which we quickly learned is much more enjoyable if you just let the waves take you where they will. Walk out into the ocean, the waves push you to shore, and the undertow sucks you back out. Understanding this ebb and flow is much less exhausting than resisting it. What was even more exciting than body surfing, however, was lying on my back just where the water crashes onto the shore and allowing it to toss me anywhere and everywhere it chose, tumbling end-over-end and side-to-side. By completely submitting, it was a ride and a rush that beat any roller coaster. I felt like I was playing w/ God, and it was the first time I was completely free and empowered by allowing someone else to have control. There really is a first for everything.