Last night when I called Dad, I got the answering machine. Guess that means when I was there last weekend I fixed it. It was absolutely wonderful to hear Mom's voice, and I smiled this time instead of crying. Thinking of the answering machine made me think of the message I erased last weekend. In the message I heard Dad talking to a woman whose voice was flat and lifeless. They were talking about daily activities, meals, the weather. I couldn't at first distinguish to whom he was talking. As I listened longer and closer, I discovered the woman Dad was talking to was me, in a conversation we had about a month ago. I didn't even recognize my own voice. Now I understand that most people say they sound differently in recordings. This is typical, but that's not what it was. I know what I sound like; I've heard myself on audio and video enough to know, and this recording sounded nothing like me. Normally my voice is full of vocal variety and enthusiasm.......I am a communication instructor, after all. The only explanation I can muster is that I've been functioning on auto-pilot, on disconnect, detaching heart from head. In doing so, I've managed to survive 73 days without my mom, but, I've lost the essence of my being.
The last couple of days I've made a conscientious effort to get some of the "bubbliness" back into my voice and demeanor. I'm tired of just going through the motions, mostly I'm just tired. Still not sleeping very well. I seem to be falling into a pattern: toss and turn w/ little sleep for two nights then crash and burn on the third night and start the pattern over. I think tonight is the drop-into-bed-completely-exhausted night. Can't effervesce w/o rest, and I must sound more perky when talking to Dad. How can I cheer him up sounding like a droll troll?
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