I'm entering my final three weeks of writing in this blog, and I have mixed feelings about ending it. At times it has helped me address feelings that otherwise would've stayed buried while at other times it has forced me to address feelings that I would've liked to have kept buried. At times I worry that when I no longer write in this every night that I'll start to forget all the little things that I loved about being Mom's daughter. Then at other times I think I'll be relieved that I don't have to figure out what to write about, and whether I have anything significant to communicate. I'll try one more time.....
When Ron and I were at Dad's this past weekend, we asked if he wanted any Christmas decorations put up. Dad didn't want to put up the tree. I think he still feels a little guilty about not putting up the tree last year when Mom wanted to. Ron and I suggested setting out a couple of ceramic Christmas trees, but he didn't want anything. I did manage to swap the silk tulip table arrangement for some poinsettia leaves and snowflakes. I think I got by w/ that b/c they had been setting out all year; they were in some of the flower arrangements from the funeral. He remained adamant, however, about NOT putting up a tree.
He called me tonight to say that he was in a "tweevil." The young woman, "Susie," who I've written about before, told Dad he had to have a Christmas tree, and if he wouldn't do it then she would. I admit that I was hurt that he would allow her to put up a tree, but he wouldn't let me. I've never been good at hiding my true feelings, and Dad could tell over the phone that I was upset about him even considering allowing Susie to do what he wouldn't let his own son and daughter do. As we talked some more, he revealed that he was afraid that if he told her that she couldn't put up a tree then she'd stop visiting him and bringing him food. At that I had to concede, and I told him it would be okay; I wouldn't be angry if he bought a little four-foot tree for Susie to decorate. "That's what I needed to hear," he said, and we moved on.
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