Monday, November 15, 2010

Monday, 15 November 2010 -- Day 330 (343)

About 20 years ago I started using cloth bags when shopping.  Mom made my first ones, and now they're starting to get holes in them from frequent use and washing.  I used them in class today when modeling for my students a persuasive speech on reducing, reusing, and recycling.  I came close to losing it when I said, "I don't know how I'll patch them since my mom is gone, and I can't sew to save my life."  Just when I said it, I looked at a student who had such sadness and sympathy in her eyes that I took every ounce of public speaking experience to hold it together. 

I had a similar experience yesterday while talking w/ a friend about how different her relationship is w/ her mom compared to my relationship w/ mine.   Talking w/ this friend reminded me that mother's aren't always biological.  Anyone who touches our heart and guides our spirit is a mother.   I was blessed to have been related to my spiritual guide so that when I look at my hands or my face or my Bunyan, I can see her.

I've fallen into a depression again lately....the kind where I just go through the motions of living w/o embracing life.  Maybe I need to seek more help than this blog can offer.  I just want to be happy again, but I don't know how.  I just want to breathe w/o feeling guilty and not think how difficult it was for Mom to breathe near the end.  I want to cry w/o worrying that it's been too long since her passing and that I must be a wimp for still being overcome w/ an all-consuming grief at any second.  I just want to feel normal, but I think it's been too long for me to find my way back there.

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