I remember the day I told Mom I was pregnant w/ Maddy. It was about the end of August, 15 years ago. She and Dad had come to our house for the weekend, probably to help w/ some project. Most of their visits when Doug and I were first married were for working weekends or babysitting weekends so Doug and I could work. I thought I would really surprise her w/ my news, but it turned out that she'd already figured it out. When I asked her how she knew, she said she noticed that I hadn't tucked in my shirt so she figured something was up, or in this case out. I never could get anything passed her!
I talked to Dad tonight. He filled all his prescriptions even though he doesn't know what most of them are for. He also bought a BIG bottle of baby aspirin.....500 tablets. I took this as a good sign. But I was obviously still in the mindset of fear b/c when he started to tell me something about the van, the first thing I thought of was him sitting in it in the garage w/ it running. As I listened closer to his story, I realized he was talking about something completely different. Normally he keeps his van parked in the garage, but today he left it out in front of the house b/c he had a haircut appointment. He said as he sat on the front porch looking at the van, it looked like Mom was sitting in the passenger side just like she always did. He had a difficult time telling me this story b/c he became very emotional, which then caused me to become emotional. I could see her sitting there too. It was just like she was there waiting to go w/ him to his appointment. I told Dad just that, hoping he would find comfort in thinking that Mom was still riding along. I want to see her there in the passenger side b/c the last year or so, she was so weak and tired that on longer trips she would sleep in the back seat. Leukemia does that, makes you really tired.
A 36-year-old man from near my hometown died of leukemia last week. He went into the hospital and three days later he was gone. He left a wife and three young children. As much I mourn Mom's loss, we at least had forewarning that she was sick, and even though we were in denial for much of the time, we knew her time w/ us was limited. This poor, young woman had no warning. We are all stunned b/c we think of cancer as being a long, debilitating ordeal. Maybe it was easier to have it all happen so quickly before he had to go through surgery, chemo, radiation, and hundreds of hours spent at doctor appointments. I'm pretty sure if Dad were diagnosed w/ cancer right now, he'd refuse any kind of medical treatment. I wouldn't blame him. Sometimes I think the treatments are worse than the disease. Mom fought the disease for as long as she could, but she also knew when it was time to give up the fight. Nothing ever got passed her.
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