(NOTE: We had Internet problems so my posts for 15-16 August were written on the dates but posted on the 17th.)
I’m afraid to be who I once was. The person I was before when Mom was alive doesn’t seem to exist, or she’s hiding really, really well. I can’t be the Super Mom I used to be b/c that’s who I was when she was alive. Maybe I never was, but she always made me feel like I was. She even told me once that she wasn’t sure she could do what I do. How’s that for moral support and unconditional love. Lately I don’t want to keep a clean house and cook meals b/c that’s who I was when Mom was here. I don’t know who to be w/o her. Since the point at which the reality of her death sank in, I’ve been trying to figure out the person I’m going to be. Maybe that’s why I’ve been living more for the moment b/c I don’t know how to look toward a future w/o Mom. I don’t know who to be w/o being Lucy’s daughter. I know the logical answer is that I’m still Lucy’s daughter. Maybe I need to make a bracelet that says, “WWLD”…. “What Would Lucy Do.” Then I could feel like she’s always w/ me, and then I could go back to a more familiar existence. I’m just afraid to be who I once was, and I’m struggling to figure out who I am. God, I feel like I’m 15 again. If I was 15, Mom would still be alive.
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