Just when I thought Dad could bend and not break, he hits me w/ this comment this morning at breakfast while sorting out his pills, "I've thought about just not taking them." I will admit that I've wondered what keeps Dad from joining Mom, but hearing him actually say that he might do something to make that happen puts words to my fears. I do believe in my heart-of-hearts that he would never do anything to cause his own demise b/c he knows he would never see Mom again. But taking your own life and not taking life-sustaining medicines may be looked upon differently. I could be interpreting his comment completely wrong, and I can't say for sure b/c I was too afraid to ask him what he meant by that. God, you'd think I'd learned my lesson about not always voicing my thoughts and feelings to Mom. I did remind him to fill his prescriptions tomorrow, and he said he would. There was definitely a metamessage, a message that's implied within another message, here that I want him to be around for awhile longer.
Each time I visit him, however, he talks more about matters relating to after his death. He was concerned about his life insurance policy so I had to check to make sure that, after Mom's death, we kids are listed as his beneficiaries. We also talked about him selling the house to the four of us kids for a dollar, if that's allowed, so the house won't be part of the estate. He has his 85th birthday coming up on the 18th of September. I asked him what he wanted, and the first comment out of his mouth was, "Maybe I won't be around by then." Okay, all these little things are starting to add up to a big thing so I'm definitely going to have to talk to him about my fears. There was one sign of looking toward the future. We talked about seeding over one of Mom's flower beds by the garage next spring b/c it's just too sad to see it like it is now, full of weeds.
For any of you reading this blog who know my dad, please send him a card or give him a call. I don't think he's adjusting as well as I've been deluding myself into thinking. I've been so engrossed in my own grief that I haven't been paying attention as to how he's handling his. Today I wore one of Mom's dresses that I took about a year or so before she died b/c she was going to give it to Goodwill. Dad didn't know this. Once I was dressed in it this morning for church, Dad recognized it immediately as being one of Mom's. I'm not so sure now if it was wise for me to wear it in front of him. He's given me permission several times to take any of her clothes, but I don't think he was prepared for the shock of actually seeing me in something of hers. I think Maddy is making some progress toward dealing w/ Mom's death. She agreed to take some of her colored, plastic bracelets. None of us has watched any of the many videos that she took when my girls were growing up. She wouldn't be in them, but we'd be able to hear her voice. I plan to have them showing during Kenzie's high school graduation party next May so I'd better work up the nerve in the next few months.
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