Mackenzie turned 17 today. My first-born is 17. She said she had a great birthday. I surprised her w/ flowers while she was in her college class today. I asked a work study student to deliver them to her, and I knew exactly when she got them b/c I got a text from her that said, "You're in big trouble, Mother." Tonight we went out for dinner, Doug, Maddy, Kenzie, her boyfriend (Ethan), and me. Ethan gave her two red roses, a really cute short outfit, and a sweet card. She was beaming. We came back to the house for cake and cards. After that we looked at pictures of Kenzie's birthdays-past, and of course Mom was present in all of them. I relied on her so much to make the girls' birthdays special; I hope she knew how much it meant to us to have her help. We looked at some of Kenzie's baby pictures too, and Mom was beaming whenever she held her. She truly delighted in her grandchildren, and I hope whenever Mackenzie looks at these pictures that she remembers that warmth and devotion.
I just can't figure out how it's possible for Kenzie to be 17 when I can still remember being that age. Time really does pass in the blink of an eye. Last night in bed my back was hurting, and Mom's voice flashed inside my head to tuck my knees into my stomach, curve my back, and drop my head toward my chest. I remember one night when I was probably around 10, and Mom told me to do this b/c my back was hurting. It amazed me how when I awoke the next morning the back ache was gone. Last night catapulted me back 36 years....lying on my right side while Mom knelt beside my bed instructing me on how to relieve the strain on my back. How did she know to do that? Did the mom she grew up w/ teach her that? Who's going to continue to teach me how to be a good mom?
I used to wish time would go faster or that I could be like Samantha from Bewitched or Jeanie from I Dream of Jeanie and just wiggle my nose and snap my fingers or cross my arms and nod my head to get myself from one point in time to another. Time has a way of making witches and genies out of all of us. When I closed my eyes last night and listened to Mom's voice once again instruct me, I felt 10-years-old and when I opened them 36 years were gone....just like that....in the blink of an eye. It helps to reminisce and go through old pictures to solidify all those memories. Because even if we can't distinguish whether we remember the moment due to the events or to the pictures of the events, we always remember the feelings associated w/ those memories and moments. I'm a time traveller: last night I was 10; today I'm 46; this evening I was 29. Birthdays give us numbers by which to recall events so we can say, "When I turned 17, I got flowers, jewelry, clothes, and money and to eat out w/ my family and play cards and remember." Kenzie just told me, "Thanks for a wonderful birthday." Time will fly by for her too, and before she knows it, her daughter will be 17. I hope I'm around to see that.
I haven't had to deal with the loss that you have. I know when the time comes when I lose either of my parents, I will take it very hard. I feel as though I'm learning from you through these blogs how to deal with the pain when it comes. I know without this instruction, I'll force that pain down and encapsulate it giving it more power when I'm weak and it's able to come to the surface. Thank you for teaching me how to grieve in a heathy way.
ReplyDeleteDon't know why, but that one made me cry. Maybe remembering when we were 17, wow what a life time ago. My youngest is almost 17 and I wish I could go back to when my oldest was only 17, I've learned to appreciate life a lot more since then.
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