Once I got in bed last night, a wave of sadness came crashing over me. The intensity I'm sure was due in part to my fatigue, but also to Mom's obvious absence in every conversation, card game, outing and food preparation this weekend. The hardest thing to do right now is to just keep going: one foot in front of the other, one more holiday to make our loss that much more apparent. People have told me that the pain subsides w/ time, but the loss is always there. I must hold fast to my belief that dealing w/ this now is better than pretending and ignoring because the pain I feel now will only be magnified if I choose to forget. Pain and loss are just like any problem: if you don't face them now they'll come find you later, and then it will be on their terms, and they don't fight fair.
"Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail." I just heard Mom's voice singing this song in my head. I've never known any more than that line. There's undoubtedly more to the song, but that's the only part that's stuck. I miss her so very, very much right now. She made everything brighter and happier. I can go through the motions, but at the end of the day all I've proven is that I can make it through the day. Maybe that's good enough for now.
P.S. After I published this, I checked my email and found a message from a young woman in Turkey. She found my blog after doing an Internet search about Under the Tuscan Sun. She felt my sadness across thousands of miles and took the time to send me an email to make me feel happier. There is good in the world, and it comes from one person extending compassion to another. Thank you.
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