Thursday, 01 April 2010 -- Day 102 (115)

I left windows open this afternoon while Kenzie and I went shopping. When we returned this evening, the house had that amazingly fresh smell that is enhanced after a long winter of stuffiness. It's the smell of renewal and rebirth, and in this smell I recognized the elusive emotion that I've been struggling to name these last few days......guilt. These last few days of sunshine, warmth, and freshness were the days that Mom loved the most. These are the days when she would also have had her house opened up, bedding airing on the line, and mattresses spread across two saw horses. I have a picture of me as an infant sitting in the middle of one of these mattresses, placed there and photographed by Mom, to give me an airing out as well. I'm feeling guilty b/c I get to enjoy these smells and the miracle of life and she doesn't. I know her rewards in heaven are much more beautiful than the balmy breeze buzzing through my blinds right now, but that doesn't assuage my guilt for breathing. I didn't feel guilty w/ three feet of snow on the ground b/c, although Mom loved the sparkle of newly fallen snow, she was all about spring and summer....planting and growing and tending. The breeze is telling me now that rain is on the way, and I'd better close these windows. Just....one........more........breath. Could I have mine w/o guilt, please?