It's commencement time of year. We went to a relative's reception this afternoon, which really got me thinking about how Kenzie will be graduating from high school next year and how Mom won't be hear to help me plan and prepare. It's just so hard to fathom how she could be here for all of Kenzie's other major life events: birthday's, holidays, baptism, confirmation, braces, dance recitals, but not be here when Kenzie commences into the next stage of her life. Mom would always come to my house at least a day in advance to help me clean and cook. We always talked while we worked, reminiscing about something from her childhood or mine or catching up w/ the latest activities of family.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about the night Mom died, how she gasped her last breaths after the breathing tube was removed. It's probably b/c my breathing has been so labored this last week that I've wondered how she could've gone so peacefully while still struggling to breathe. I remember very near the end, when her breaths were becoming fewer and farther apart, thinking at any minute she would breathe her last. There were a couple of times when I thought she was gone, but then she would take a deep gasp as if she'd been holding her breath for a long time and had to fill her lungs as quickly and deeply as possible. She was a fighter, but every fighter knows when to give up the fight, knowing that losing the battle can still mean winning the war. Winning means a new beginning.
Commencement means beginning. Life is about beginnings, not just the beginning of life but all the beginnings of new phases and stages of life. Mom helped me through all of them thus far for not only me, but for my daughters too. Now we're going through a commencement, a beginning, of a stage w/o her. We always celebrate beginnings. They're exciting. The beginning of a relationship is always the most intense. The birth of a baby is heralded. It's the maintenance of that relationship and the raising of that child that aren't always as glorious and celebrated. That's why we have anniversaries and birthdays to remind us of how we felt in the beginning. As I commence into life w/o Mom, it's not exciting and fresh. I don't want to celebrate it each December 10th, but I know as each anniversary of her death rolls around, I'll remember. And then I'll commence w/ living.
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