Commencement at the college was tonight and then I held the post-graduation faculty/staff party at my house. This is why this entry is actually being posted “the day after.” This post is also late b/c our Internet hasn’t been working all day. It’s not possible to have squeezed one more activity into my day, but fullness is good……and exhausting. Again, I wonder if I take-on so much as a way to avoid thinking about Mom. That if I continue to deal w/ daily events and activities, one breath at a time, I won’t see the big picture of being motherless for the rest of my life.
When I was in grad school at the U of Iowa, I remember sitting by the bank of the Iowa River and writing in my journal. Nature has always been my refuge and my muse, and on this particular day it was my consoler ( I don't think this is a word, but it fits). I don’t recall what was troubling me at that particular time, but I do remember focusing far into the distance and watching the river. As I brought my thoughts closer and closer, I noticed a putrid odor. As I brought my vision in closer to match my thoughts, I noticed at my feet a bloated and decaying fish. I then wrote in my journal that I was so focused on the big picture that I was missing the small details right in front of me. Now I think I’ve gone the complete opposite. I’m so focused on the small, daily details of living that I’m missing the bigger picture of life.
As I begin summer vacation in a couple of weeks, I’m going to try very hard to forget all the little details of the day and enjoy people, the outdoors, and a more carefree attitude.
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