Blogspot is down so I'm handwriting this and will upload later. Sorry, Aunt Jean, if this causes you any undo stress or concern.
Today was Church in the Park, an ecumenical service of my hometown's churches. Usually the songs and hymns of church services affect me the most, which is probably why my church-going has dwindled in the last six months. I was doing okay w/ the first couple of praise songs, but when the men's quartet sang an a cappella piece, the waterworks opened. This was exactly the kind of singing that Mom loved. Then the closing hymn was How Great Thou Art, played really jazzy and up-tempo on the piano....just like Mom loved. It's a beautiful hymn, but it always reminds me of funerals. Yep, I was a mess at this point. Fortunately I was wearing sunglasses so no one could see. Why do I say fortunately, and why was I worried that people would see me cry? Is there a statute of limitations on public mourning? It's okay to cry at the funeral, but six months later is not allowed? Why am I embarrassed that church music should remind me of Mom and cause me to cry?
This afternoon we went to the cemetery. The corsage I placed on Mom's grave was dead so I picked it up, along w/ some remnants of peonies that Ron placed a few weeks ago. Holding those petals brought me back to Grandpa Koop's funeral in Colorado when I was 9. I was given a mum from the funeral spray to keep as a memento. (Why do some people place flowers on caskets while others take flowers from it?) Anyway, I was holding this mum in my hand all the way from Fountain to Colorado Springs, and by the time we reached my aunt and uncle's, it was a mass of loosed petals. I got out of the backseat of the car and shook the petals out of my hand onto a neighbor's lawn. The neighbor lady had apparently been watching b/c she came out her front door, yelling at me to pick those petals up. Mom heard and came around the car to help me pick them up. Didn't this woman know that my mom had just buried her father? Then I felt guilty that Mom had to help me pick up the petals when she was so sad, but maybe she welcomed the distraction from her grief.
I know I've busied myself w/ many distractions these last few months, but this just proves that running from anything, whether it be grief or problems or the law only means that when you do finally slow down to face the music, it's all still there waiting, w/ an even greater force behind it than before. Kinda like when you pinch off a garden hose while the water is running through it. When you finally release it, the water spurts out w/ more intensity, at least at first. And that's what happened w/ the music this morning in church. When I finally took time to listen and pay attention to my surroundings, the waterworks came spurting to life.
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