Dad and other widows and widowers that I've talked to have said that the nights are the worst. Right now it feels like the worst time is from when I wake up until when I fall asleep, which isn't always a given anymore. I used to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, but last night like many other nights, I woke up after 30 minutes and couldn't get back to sleep. Good thing we have cable and that TCM runs old movies 24/7. Last night was Tracy and Hepburn as husband and wife attorneys......never did find out the title.
I have no motivation to do much beyond the very basic of needs, and if it wasn't for having my own family, I probably wouldn't even be motivated to fulfill those. My husband's family was supposed to come over to celebrate Christmas today, but the weather prohibited that. The thought of having company doesn't appeal to me, but I know when I'm around other people, I feel better. Talking to my dad and my oldest brother on a regular basis has helped a lot; something like the tie that binds, only in this case the tie is pain. Just talking about daily events w/ them helps us all have some normalcy, and I think it reminds us that we're still alive. My family has never been big on expressing our emotions; we'd rather talk about events. Mom's passing has helped us be more comfortable in comforting each other. I just we could've been more comfortable when she was still w/ us. I think of all the inane conversations we had about the weather and current activities when we could've been telling each other how much we loved and appreciated each other. I asked my daughters if they wanted the URL for this blog so they could read what I've been feeling. They weren't interested. I can't really blame them. When I was a teenager, I didn't want to know what my mom was feeling. Mom asked me last year if I wanted to read her journal. I started to but then got distracted and never finished it. Now I can't find it.
Distractions are such a big part of our lives. We intentionally distract ourselves w/ movies and trivia and unintentionally distract ourselves w/ daily chores and work. W/ all these distractions when do we find time to get around to what matters. But what really matters? I'm too distracted right now to know, and I can't seem to put together coherent ideas, which, for someone who teaches communication, is very frustrating. Maybe I'll go to bed, which means I'll be up in 30 minutes watching a movie.
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