24 December 2009

This is only the second time in 46 Christmases that I won't make it home. My family and I started out for the 150 mile trip to my parent's house, but the Mother Nature had different plans. Do I continue to refer to the home my parents shared for almost 60 years as their house, or is it now just my dad's house? During the week and a half that I stayed w/ Dad after Mom's death, I found myself constantly saying things like, "I'll just borrow Mom's coat," or "Mom has some socks I can wear." At what point do we go from present to past tense? And do I want to? People who don't know about her death would assume that she's still living. Is that bad? Okay, yes, it's delusional and means I'm probably in the denial stage of grief, but everyone tells me to rely on my memories to get me through. If I'm supposed to keep her memory alive then isn't that like keeping her alive?

Memories aren't tangible, and I can never again hold her hand. My hands are much like hers. I got to hold her hand as she passed, and my dad got to hold her. He climbed in bed w/ her and held her in the crook of his arm just like he had done almost every night in nearly 63 years.

In one of the hundreds of sympathy cards, someone sent a poem about the first Christmas in heaven. It's comforting to know Mom gets to listen to the choir of angels first-hand.....she's probably singing first soprano. Two weeks ago today I was at Mom's bedside asking her if she would come back and visit us on Christmas Eve. She said she would. This night has always been my family's tradition for going to church, eating oyster stew, and opening presents.......these last two items might be reversed; we argue about it every year....which comes first eating or opening presents? I won't be there for any of it this year, which will be very, very different. But like Dad said, "This Christmas was already going to be very different." I guess w/ all the changes in the last two weeks, I wanted something that resembled familiarity. Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep last night and was up watching the end of Key Largo w/ Bogie and Bacall. I was either up worrying about the weather and whether we'd get home or hoping, since it was technically Christmas Eve morning, Mom would stop by for a chat. It's still early. And even though our family isn't completely together as w/ Christmases past, I know she'll be w/ us in Estherville, in Minneapolis, and in Aplington.