Saturday, 26 December 2009

Why am I doing this? I could keep a private journal to express my feelings. My oldest brother has kept a journal since the 1980's, and he writes it in practically daily. My great grandmother kept a journal that spanned the 1880's to the 1930's. I have journals w/ about a half dozen entries per year so why a blog? I've asked several friends and relatives this question, but noone has gotten back to me yet. I'm hoping it's the holidays that's keeping them from responding and not that they can't find the words to tell me this is a stupid idea. See, even now I'm focusing more on if this is the forum in which to work through the grieving process rather than focusing on the grieving process. But actually, I'm hoping this blog will keep me focused on the pin-ball-esque feelings that I'm experiencing each day. I know from past experience that I won't continue to write daily if this journal is kept private; I need the potential public scrutiny to keep me writing. And if I keep writing, maybe at the one-year anniversary of Mom's passing, I won't feel so empty. Okay, I'm going to look at this first paragraph today as an exercise in free writing--that I have to get through all the junk in my head to get to the jewels.

I guess this is the part now where I get to the jewels. According to Hospice of the North Shore and their link about The Grieving Process (http://www.hns.org/Center_for_Grief_Healing/The_Grieving_Process.aspx), "The grieving process gives us time to reflect and find new strength that enables us to continue life's journey and regain peace-of-mind." Looks like this blog is now a travel journal toward sanity, back to a place and time when I could look at a tree and see its beauty and not think how much Mom hated to see them cut down. I must be doing something right here b/c the first sentence on the link about The Stages of Grief (http://www.hns.org/Portals/1/Stages%20of%20Grief.pdf) says that I can't rush my grief, and that most times it takes at least a year to deal w/ the "purest pain (I) have ever known."

According to the Center for Grief and Healing (www.griefandhealing.org), "Shared feelings are a gift, and bring a closeness to all involved." That's part of the Emotional Release stage. Or am I in the "Preoccupation w/ the Deceased or the Crisis" stage? But I also have Symptoms of Physical and Emotional Distress b/c there's that "empty hollow feeling" and a "feeling that no one really understands and cares." Stages implies that I'm supposed to go through one at a time and a process implies that I'm supposed to do them in a step-by-step order. Why am I showing signs of multiple stages at once? Is that a sign that I'm thoroughly screwed up? I'm holding out hope that once I experience everything the experts say I'm supposed to experience then in one year, I'll magically feel less like crap.

My mantra for today is "I'm doing this to help me grieve and heal." I definitely passed through the Shock stage quickly b/c I was able to "express emotions immediately." Although Mom's passing wasn't expected just yet, we knew she only had a few months. The shock mostly came when we had to honor her wishes to have the breathing tube removed, knowing the end would come shortly thereafter. I'm going to continue to express my emotions, even those of anger, and cherish seeing Mom in every tree I pass. She had the courage and grace to face six types of cancer in her lifetime of 79 years. I should be able to have the strength to handle a year of The Grieving Process.