Thursday, 07 October 2010 -- Day 291 (304)

You gotta love small town Iowa where, even living in town, you can still see deer walk by your open window and smell the remnants of a skunk.   Maybe they were all interested in the stale cornbread I threw out earlier this evening.  I'm starting to regain an interest in cooking and cleaning.  I made cornbread and chili several days ago last weekend, but the chili went faster, and Doug was tired of cornbread and syrup for breakfast so out it went.  I finally got my Autumn decorations up last night.  Seasonal and holiday decorations always make me think of Mom.  Last year at this time she had out the wooden leaves that Dad cut out for her and she painted years ago.  We were talking about bringing in our plants when the nights got colder, and what we were going to do for Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is going to be really tough this year since it's the last holiday that she was with us.  I will forever see her standing in the window in her red and blue vest apron waving to us for the last time as we went beep-beep around the corner.

I just realized that I forgot to call Dad tonight....that's two nights in a row that I haven't talked to him.  I imagine the reason he didn't call me is b/c he knows I have a bad chest cold and hearing me cough and wheeze probably makes him think of Mom. I think he tries as hard as I do to remember Mom when she was healthy. 

It was around this season two years ago that I got the opportunity to write some column pieces for the free weekly here in town.  I sent them all to Mom.  She printed them all out and passed them around to other friends and family.  I came across the copies I sent her the last time I was home visiting Dad.  She always encouraged my writing, but I always felt like I never encouraged hers as much as she did mine.  Why did I always feel so inadequate when praising my own mother's writing?  I could praise her cooking and her sewing and her cleaning and her appearance and her community work but not her writing.  Was I jealous?  I know I have no talent in most of these other areas, so did I feel threatened in an area that we had in common?   There is no good reason so the lesson here is to praise often and sincere.

Wednesday, 06 October 2010 -- Day 290 (303)

I dreamt about Mom again last night.  That's been happening more lately, and last night she spoke to me.  I was in a hospital room w/ two beds and two recliners, and I think my daughters were in the room w/ us too.  I was in one bed, and I told Mom that she should sleep in the other bed, but she said, "No, I'll sleep in the recliner."  At that point Maddy's band teacher came marching through our room, and the whole scene shifted to me driving Ron's white Chrysler convertible w/ red interior.  The top was down, and it was raining. 

Once again I turn to my dream interpretation website, http://www.dreammoods.com.  Being in a hospital means I have a need to improve my mental and/or physical health.  Well, that's right on the money considering I've had this cold for five days now.  Apparently Mom was there to take care of me just like I talked about in last night's entry.  Maybe the girls were there w/ me b/c I'm concerned about their physical and mental health as well.......yep, I'd say that's right on the money too. 

Seeing Maddy's band teacher gets a little tricky.  Since she isn't exactly my teacher, I'm not sure if this applies, but to dream of a past or present teacher means I'm seeking advice or guidance.  I certainly could use the assistance of someone who has dealt w/ the traumatic teen years, especially the trauma of a teen w/ a chronic illness.  But I'm not usually one who asks for help and assistance.  The website also suggests that dreaming of a teacher means I feel like I'm being "put to the test."  This one is probably closer to the truth since I've felt lately that my ability as a mother has been in question.

To quote Dream Moods: Your Dream Symbol Interpretation (www.dreammoods.com), "To see or dream that you are in a convertible, refers to your glamorous attitude. You are showing off your power and influence."  Wow!  I have a "glamorous attitude."  Must've been all those Bette Davis movies I watched yesterday when I was home sick.  I think, however, being in the convertible in the rain negates that attitude and influence.  Rain can symbolize anything from tears and sadness to cleansing and renewal.  The former is definitely where I'm at.

I think then that my dream last night meant that I have a need to heal mentally and physically, but I'm just so sad right now b/c I feel I'm being tested.  Well, I know the secret to doing well on any test is to get a good night's sleep so that's where I'm headed.  Hope I pass.

Tuesday, 05 October 2010 -- Day 289 (302)

They say horses only go down when they're sick, well this workhorse was down for the day.  I rarely take off from work.....mostly b/c it gets us behind on the material we need to cover, but I just couldn't imagine sitting through 24 speeches today w/ a pounding head.  Being sick, no matter how old we get, makes us long for our mom's, and for just an instant today, I thought how Mom would be able to empathize w/ my cold and achiness.  Then I remembered that I can't tell her how I feel.  So it was encouraging tonight when I talked to Dad to hear him say, "You take care of yourself" just like Mom would've.  I've noticed the last few times I've talked w/ him that he chokes up when we say "good-bye."  Mom used to do that the last year of her life.  Dad said she would be so sad after talking to us kids on the phone, and I can only guess the reason.  There were times when I thought about not calling her b/c it would just leave her sad in the end.  But I knew that not hearing from me would've made her even more sad.  I guess even though she wasn't afraid to die, she was afraid of all that she'd miss in our lives. 

Monday, 04 October 2010 -- Day 288 (301)

I dreamt about Mom last night.  What I mostly remember is the feeling that I had a second chance to be a better listener, a more supportive daughter, her friend.  I know it was a dream b/c at one point I was selected as the Homecoming queen, yet I knew that this couldn't be possible b/c I was never nominated to the court.  Guess I was a write-in candidate.

Grandma Ruth's funeral was today.  Maddy played her flute; she and Kenzie sang Jesus Loves Me while I played the piano.  Grandma had asked us to do this a couple of years ago and then again at her last birthday party.  Despite the girls and me having bad colds, we did it.  Not our best performance, but we did it for Grandma.  This was the first funeral I've been to since Mom's.  I've been to visitations but no funerals.  I held up pretty well; I think being in a fog from my cold actually helped w/ that.  There was one point when one of Doug's cousins was talking about the legacy that Grandma left behind that reminded me of all the people that Mom influenced.  That got me.  This morning I said a prayer to God and to Mom to help me make it through this day both physically and emotionally.  They answered it.  I survived.

Sunday, 03 October 2010 -- Day 287 (300)

Sunday's are the worst for Dad.  Aside from talking to people at church this morning and the potluck this noon, he only talked to Ron this afternoon and to me tonight.  He does get out and about during the week, but for some reason he doesn't go visiting on Sunday's.  Yesterday he went to the Woman's Club plant sale for coffee and a roll.  Mom was in this community organization for years so Dad probably went w/ Mom last year and the year before that and the year before that.  She was always so proud of her community, and she volunteered and participated in community events whenever possible.  I have to admit that I sometimes thought those plant sales and book sales and soup luncheons were a little hokey, but I went w/ her if I was in town b/c I knew it made her happy to show off these community events to me and vice versa. Aplington will always be my hometown, and it's b/c of the hard work of people like Mom that ensure the town will continue.  I envy that feeling of connectedness to a place. 

Saturday, 02 October 2010 -- Day 286 (299)

Stress caused by sadness doesn't seem to have the detrimental physiological affects that stress caused by worry.  Even w/ all the stress of mourning, I never got ill.  Now, after a couple of weeks of worrying about Kenzie, I have a cold.  Despite not feeling well, I had to go to Mankato, MN, about 1 1/2 hours away to get Kenzie's Crohn's medicine from the FedEx store there.  I know that seems strange, but Mayo Specialty Pharmacy shipped it there from Rochester b/c Kenzie needs it first thing Monday.  FedEx doesn't deliver here on Saturdays, and it has to be refrigerated so I spent most of my day in the car.  The 1970's were being featured on the classic rock station so I listened to a 1972 taping of American Top 40 w/ Casey Kasem.  1972 was a great year.  I was in 2nd grade; Mom was 42 and already a four-year survivor of ovarian cancer.  My only worries were .......well, as an eight-year-old, I didn't have any worries.  It's no wonder the music of the 70's has the power to make me feel better.

Friday, 01 October 2010 -- Day 285 (298)

I watched The Green Mile tonight.  As usual, I thought of Mom and others who have suffered.  John Coffey, played by Michael Clarke Duncan, is on death row for murders that he didn't commit.  Paul Edgecomb, played by Tom Hanks, discovers that John is innocent and offers to let him go, but John says he's tired.....of being alone, of feeling all the pain and suffering in the world.  He's ready to die.  That's the point that I thought about Mom and Grandma Ruth and even about Linda, a woman I worked w/ who died of pancreatic cancer almost three years ago.  She lingered for many, many days, and each time she would awake from a nap, her daughter said she looked disappointed that she was still here.  Grandma Ruth had that same look three weeks ago when Doug and I visited her in the hospital.  We woke her, and she looked so sad to realize that she was still w/ us.  Mom had that look when I arrived  in her hospital room to find her intubated.  I think it's a blessing to be ready to die, and I think once we've reached that acceptance we should be allowed to go on our terms, not linger in pain for days and weeks.  We give animals an honorable death.  Mom wouldn't have taken that option, even if she'd been given the choice.  She always believed that God has complete control over life and death.