Friday, 30 April 2010 -- Day 131 (144)

Dad and Ron made it here safe and sound. It's getting a little easier to be together and accept that Mom isn't w/ us. We're rediscovering each other. Dad is actually less grumpy, which sounds terrible, but I think he realizes that he needs to be more affable now so people will want to visit and talk to him. It's sad, in a way, that he wasn't more agreeable when Mom was alive, but I think he felt he would always have her even if others turned against him. Unfortunately those closest to us don't always get to see our best side, yet they love us no matter what.

Maddy's dance recital dress rehearsal was tonight, and for the first time (yes, another first), Mom wasn't here to help get her dressed and ready. Not the Maddy needs it since she'll be 14 tomorrow, but Mom was always here to fix costumes and do hair and just be a comforting presence since this was always a harrowing time. I remember Maddy's first recital when she was four. She hated her costume b/c the sequins scratched her tummy. Mom sewed in felt to make it softer, but Maddy still cried and screamed about that stupid costume. I didn't keep that costume, even though it was her first, b/c it held too many bad memories. I guess I'm older and wiser now. I've finally learned that everything doesn't have to be perfect. But Mom always made everything look so easy, and I felt like I needed to be just like her. Now I'm okay w/ ordering chicken from Godfather's for dinner rather than preparing a home-cooked meal. I'm okay w/ relinquishing more control over Maddy's appearance in her make-up and costume rather than applying it myself. I'm okay.

Thursday, 29 April 2010 -- Day 130 (143)

After six hours on the road, five hours at St. Mary's Hospital in Rochester, and two hours of shopping, I'm exhausted. The preliminary report on Mackenzie looks good. I won't go into too much detail here since Crohn's Disease deals a part of the anatomy that isn't discussed in polite company, but we'll know more after the biopsy comes back tomorrow. The doctor seems to think a little steroid therapy will solve the problem....not that this is to be taken lightly, but it's a whole lot better than another bowel resection.

Dealing w/ the stress and anxiety over Mackenzie's condition and worrying how Madison was going to get to and from school today left me little time to think of Mom. But I did think of her a little as I vacuumed the floors just now....company's comin' tomorrow, you know!

Wednesday, 28 April 2010 -- Day 129 (142)

People, including ourselves, will let us down and not live up to our expectations. But if we expect these people, including ourselves, to let us down, they will, every time. Kenzie is experiencing this right now w/ her boyfriend, or rather ex-boyfriend. I've been experiencing it a little w/ Mom. I don't know that I'm actually angry w/ her, but I've found that I don't want to look at her pictures as much. I have one of my favorite pictures of her on the file cabinet in my office, and each morning when I turn on the light above it, I usually say, "Good morning, Mom." This last week, however, I haven't wanted to look at that picture. Maybe it's b/c the pictures make me sad, and I'm tired of being sad, so I'm taking it out on Mom for making me sad. Is that completely warped?

Sometimes our bodies let us down too. Kenzie's experiencing this right now as well w/ her Crohn's Disease. The newest medicine (Humira) that she's been on for the last eight weeks hasn't been working. As a result, she has to have a colonoscopy tomorrow to determine what else is going on. This will be her seventh one in six years. She amazes me w/ her attitude. Yes, there are times when she gets a little depressed and frustrated, but she always understands what has to be done and stays strong. She reminds me a lot of Mom in this regard. Mom never bemoaned her cancers or asked why all this had to happen to her. Instead she faced her illnesses w/ positive determination. God knows her body let her down and her treatments didn't always live up to her expectations, but she kept an upbeat attitude. Most people commented after she passed that they didn't realize just how sick she was b/c she was always so positive.

Tuesday, 27 April 2010 -- Day 128 (141)

About three weeks ago a Mama Robin built her nest on our upper deck behind my potted Ficus tree. Then about two weeks ago, I noticed four eggs. Since then she has faithfully and diligently, in rain and hail and high winds, sat on that nest, leaving it a few times each day to feed herself, but only if the sun is out to keep the eggs warm in her absence. Occasionally I'll notice that she stands on the rim of the nest, and, w/ her beak, turns the eggs then sits atop them puffing out her body and feathers to entirely cover the opening of the nest. It's in her nature, whether she understands why or not, to protect her babies.

Today is my sister's birthday, and w/ this day marks the first birthday that each of us, the children of Lucy Miller, has celebrated w/o a mother. David's birthday was actually on the day of Mom's funeral in December; Ron and mine were in March; and Lori's today. Those four Robin's eggs remind me of the four of us. For 62 years Mom faithfully and diligently cared and looked after us even after we left the nest. It was definitely in her nature, and she certainly understood why, to protect her babies till death did us part.

Monday, 26 April 2010 -- Day 127 (140)

The Northwest Iowa Jazz Band that I play in had our spring concert tonight. It's always a lot of fun rehearsing and performing w/ this group that I've been w/ now for nine years. We've been through a lot together beyond just playing music: weddings, divorces, personal and professional successes, illnesses, death, and a lot of 4th of July Flight Breakfasts. Our former bass player, Tom, passed away from a brain tumor about three years ago. His widow still comes to all our concerts, and of course she was there tonight. Just before I went on stage, I tapped her on the shoulder to tell her that I'd been thinking about Tom today. After every concert he would tell me they needed to mic my piano b/c he could never hear me, even though as part of the rhythm section we were pretty close together. Well, I wasn't miked again tonight, but somehow my piano seemed louder than it ever has. My husband noticed it too. I think Tom was giving me a boost.

Sunday, 25 2010 -- Day 126 (139)

Mackenzie's Post Prom Party at the high school actually turned out to be a lot of fun. I wasn't sure I could stay awake that long. However, watching the kids ride the mechanical bull, which is the game that I helped w/, and watching the hypnotist make high school juniors and seniors pretend to be aliens and Elvis and brainless was a riot! I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. It felt good, and even though I only got about four hours of sleep, they were four deep, uninterrupted hours. How wonderful to be able to share this special day and evening w/ my daughter, and more importantly to have her want to share it w/ me.

My daughter Madison shares a love of sewing that my mother possessed, and a love that eluded me. Thanks to Mom I had plenty of suits, dresses, shorts, and blouses while growing up, as a poor undergrad, and even poorer graduate student. Maddy asked me again today if she could have a sewing machine. I've told her repeatedly that if she asked Papa (my dad), he'd probably let her have Grandma's machine. Today, I heard Maddy in her room calling my mother-in-law, who is a collector of stuff, and anytime we need something she usually has three. When Maddy asked her about a sewing machine, Grandma Burns has four and will gladly part w/ one. I asked Maddy why she didn't want Grandma Miller's, and she just looked at me w/ sad eyes and said she couldn't. She's sewn on that machine before making quilts and clothes during her weeks staying w/ Papa and Grandma Miller so I thought she'd want it for nostalgia, but I guess sometimes nostalgia is just too powerful. Through choked-back-tears, I hugged Maddy and told her that Grandma Miller would want her to have the sewing machine and would be glad to know it was getting used. Mom had little time for things that didn't get used. Maddy still wants to get a sewing machine from her other grandmother, one w/o any sentimental value. I know how hard it is to type on a computer w/ tears in my eyes so I can only imagine what it would be like for her to sew through tears on her grandmother's machine.

So what do mechanical bulls and sewing machines have in common? Today, they showed me the importance of sharing important events and simple moments b/c they are both equal in our memories.

Saturday, 24 April 2010 -- Day 125 (138)

Tonight is prom.....it has arrived at last. Mackenzie looks so beautiful. All her planning and preparation have paid off. I hope all the pictures we took this afternoon and this evening will do her justice. Despite my joy at seeing my baby all grown up and sparkling, I have an underlying feeling of moroseness b/c I can't share all this w/ Mom. I know she would've enjoyed the Grand March, seeing all the beautiful dresses and delighting in seeing how Mackenzie and all her childhood friends have grown up. I would've pointed out the girls and boys who came to different birthday parties and who were in various dance recitals and on little league teams w/ Mackenzie. But Grand March is over, and I need to try to get some sleep before post-prom begins at midnight. I'll try to write more tomorrow night when Prom 2010 has passed.