Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Since this is my final post, I feel that I should have some "slam-bang finish" as Bing Crosby says in White Christmas.  Essentially there's just two questions that I'd like to attempt to answer: 1) What have I learned during this year of mourning my mother's death? and 2) Where do I go from here?

What have I learned?  I learned that the death of someone so dear and so close wasn't the death of me.  There were times when I questioned my survival and my existence, yet one day became the next and still I kept breathing.  I learned there are some very selfish people in this world, and every time I felt myself turning into one of them, I tried to do something for someone else.  Mom did that a lot.  I learned to listen to all those lessons that Mom had been teaching me over the last 45 years, even the ones I didn't realize.  The lessons where she taught by example rather than by lecture.  When I learned to still my own thoughts, I could hear Mom's voice of reason. I learned there's a time to break down and a time to be strong; the challenge is knowing which time is which.  I learned there are actually times when breaking down is the strong thing to do b/c once I bore my soul, there's not much more any mortal can do to me.  Kinda like when God broke Moses while wandering in the desert so he could build him back-up to the man he was destined to be.  Destiny leads me to the second question.

Where do I go from here?  The simplest answer is that I should just trust in the Lord.  I rarely do simple.  I trust that when major decisions and dilemmas arise, God will be close-by to give me clues as to how I'm to proceed.  And I trust that I will listen.  But I also must trust that I can develop a plan that will take me beyond just the day-to-day breathing-in and breathing-out.  I want my daughters to be able to reflect on my life and see a strong woman after whom they can pattern their lives while feeling free to digress from the blue print.  I want them to come-into-their-own while I'm still alive to see it; not waiting for me to die to learn how to breathe on their own. 

Another answer to the question of where I go from here it to just keep going from here.  I'll continue to mark life's major events like Kenzie's high school graduation, Maddy's baptism, birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals.  I'll continue to mark the daily accomplishments and challenges brought by being a mother, teacher, daughter, sister, friend.  But I also want more.  I want to become and paid and published writer whose essays and stories and poems will help other people mark time in their lives.  I want to travel and write about my travels.  I want to write about little things and show them in a big way just like Georgia O'Keeffe did w/  the flowers she painted.  I have a sign in my office, "To teach is to touch a life forever."  W/ the 20 years that I've been in education I know I've touched thousands of lives and that's exhilarating as well as humbling.  I want my writing to touch millions.  That's not asking much, right?

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Inspiration comes in the strangest places.  Today while getting my teeth cleaned, the dental hygienist asked about my holiday plans.  Of course, I had to tell her that I'd be w/ my dad and that my mom passed away last December.  This brought the tears, and I thought that would be all.  But she kept talking about her mother's death and asking about my mom's death.  Trust me....having dental tools in your mouth scraping and scratching while the tears are running down your cheeks is uncomfortable and awkward.  And still she kept talking about the loss of a mother.  She did get me a couple of tissues so that helped......a little.  Out of all this, however, there was a bright spot, and I'm not talking about my newly polished teeth.  She talked about some of the things her mother taught her like being nice to people (not sure she learned that one) and smiling at others to brighten their day (well, that made sense).  Upon leaving the dentist's office, I was in the mindset of what Mom had taught me.

When I arrived home and got the mail, I read our local newspaper.  The lead story was about the city council needing a replacement for a recently vacated position.  As providence would have it, the representative needed to be from Ward 2.  This ward is literally divided by the street upon which I reside.  If I had lived on the east side, I would be in a different ward, but since I live on the west side of N. Sixth Street, I reside in Ward 2.  One of the most important lessons Mom taught me was to give back to my community so I called the city offices and gave them my name to be considered for the appointment.  Whether I receive the appointment or not, I continue to strive to live a life that Mom would be proud of while creating a life of my own choosing.

Monday, 20 December 2010

In flipping through channels tonight, I saw that The Family Stone w/ Sarah Jessica Parker was on.  We watched that movie last Thanksgiving w/ Mom.  I regret now not asking her what she thought of the movie, but at the time I feared that it would upset her if she was relating to Diane Keaton's character, who dies of breast cancer at the end of the movie.  Not sure I'll ever be able to watch that movie again, but I am learning my lesson to say what I feel when I feel it.....no more holding back. 

Sunday, 19 December 2010

This was an amazing weekend filled w/ laughs and reminiscences, and I was able to spend the entire weekend bonding w/ my daughters.  Despite this emotional soaring, the closer we got to home, the tighter the knot in my stomach formed.  Doug refuses to leave, which causes an immense emotional strain on all of us.  He's now renigging on everything he originally agreed upon in the divorce settlement.  Iowa divorce code says he gets half of my retirement accounts even though he has no retirement funds of his own.  We had agreed that he would not pay child support in exchange for me taking over the mortgage payment and retaining all the equity.  He informed me just now that he will be requesting half of the current equity, and now he's decided to sit right behind me on the couch while I'm typing this b/c he's tired of living in the basement.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  How quickly the soaring turns to slumping.

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Wow!  I've forgotten what it's like to have an active five-year-old and eight-year-old.  This morning we went to Lucia's gymnastics class, did some final Christmas shopping, then had a wonderful lunch at The Cafeteria in Calhoun Square.  This gave us just enough time to run back to their house to put on Under Armour, ski pants, boots, neck gators, etc., etc. before  heading out to Hyland Ski and Snowboard Area for Lucia and Isabel's ski lesson.  Maddy, who hadn't been on skis since she was four, skied w/ Lori and her friend Tim while I watched the little girls during their lessons.  Maddy had an absolute blast and can't wait to ski again.  We may be making several trips to Mankato and Minneapolis this winter! 

After a few hours at Hyland, we headed back to Lori and Heather's to get ready for a small dinner party w/ their friends Tim and Karen and their two kids.  It was a delightful evening.  I've forgotten how much I enjoy talking w/ people.  It was amazing to sit around the dining room table w/ great food, delicious wine, and stimulating conversation about religion, education, and politics.  I was so happy that Kenzie and Maddy could be part of these conversations to both expand and express their minds, and I was pleased that they could see me be happy.

Heather mentioned how her yoga instructor has given her the mantra, "This is how it is now."  It's a good mantra for me to repeat right now to help me accept that my life is changing, but I would add the phrase, "but I have the power to change it."  Some situations can't be changed such as the death of my mother so to be motherless is how my life is now.  But I have the power to change other situations such as an unhappy marriage.  The simple concept of knowing what I can change, and what I can't has been a long, difficult lesson this year.  Now to solidify any lesson and mantra, I must repeat it and repeat it until I can live it w/o even thinking about it.

Friday, 17 December 2010

(NOTE:  The next three entries were all written on Sunday, 19 December 2010, b/c I spent the weekend in Minneapolis reconnecting w/ my sister.)

Kenzie, Maddy, and I arrived at Lori and Heather's this evening.  This was the first time I've seen my sister and her family since Mom's funeral, yet we fell right into the same connection we've had all our lives as if a year hadn't transpired.  We all talked and laughed and drank wine (well, my girls and her girls didn't) until one in the morning.  I'm blessed to have a closer relationship now w/ my dad, and my relationship w/ Ron has always been solid through all imaginable and unimaginable trials.  To have reconnected w/ Lori, my only sister, is to regain part of myself.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

I'm almost afraid to say it......for fear I'll sound like a bad person.......and jinx this feeling.  I feel free.  I feel free to NOT be the perfect mother and not be the perfect housekeeper.  I feel free from judgment.  I don't know that I was ever consciously aware of Mom judging my abilities as a daughter, wife, and mother, but obviously, unconsciously I felt some.  All these thoughts came to me today while making lunch for my daughters and, of all things, cleaning the microwave.  The microwave was completely disgusting, and I didn't feel a bit guilty about having neglected it.  Instead I thought, "I know how to clean a microwave when the need arises, and that's good enough."  I gave myself permission today to NOT be perfect.